88 days and counting

Mood: no idea.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not experiencing life. Actually, I'm afraid of that all the time. As afraid as I am of not finding a full-time job, I think I'm just as afraid of finding one.

I worry that maybe I'll get one and go immediately from hard-working, apathy-fighting college student to hard-working, apathy-fighting, employed adult.

Lately I've been craving some sort of life experience. One day I'm going to be tied down to a desk and a family and, you know what? That sounds pretty awesome. But before all that happens, I want to DO stuff. I want to SEE stuff. I want to HAVE EXPERIENCES.

So many of the adults I see (including recent grads who nabbed a job) just seem... unhappy. They're tired and they're jaded and they're busy... and it makes me sad. I feel tired and jaded and busy, too, but... somehow it seems different.

As frightened as I am of change, I think it's always been reassuring to know when it's coming (more or less). Elementary school ends > CHANGE > middle school ends > CHANGE > high school ends > CHANGE > college ends > CHANGE > something else happens... And then what?

Change has been a pretty predictable thing--scary and hard, too. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't always easy to make those changes, but I guess I just always knew they would have to be made eventually. If I ever got tired of school (never) I could just be like "well, it'll all be over in May 2010."

My roommate and I who are both equally as terrified when it comes to the f*ture (it's the f-word around here) found a volunteer opportunity with the National Parks Service in Hawaii essentially babysitting and monitoring endangered sea turtle eggs. I couple of months in Hawaii hiking to this remote egg-laying site and watching them.

We were totally on board with this plan until we found out that we'd have to trap and kill animal predators. That turned us off.

But do you get it? Do you understand? I want to have life experiences like that before I get tied down to stuff...

Eloquent, I know.