Mood: no idea.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not experiencing life. Actually, I'm afraid of that all the time. As afraid as I am of not finding a full-time job, I think I'm just as afraid of finding one.
I worry that maybe I'll get one and go immediately from hard-working, apathy-fighting college student to hard-working, apathy-fighting, employed adult.
Lately I've been craving some sort of life experience. One day I'm going to be tied down to a desk and a family and, you know what? That sounds pretty awesome. But before all that happens, I want to DO stuff. I want to SEE stuff. I want to HAVE EXPERIENCES.
So many of the adults I see (including recent grads who nabbed a job) just seem... unhappy. They're tired and they're jaded and they're busy... and it makes me sad. I feel tired and jaded and busy, too, but... somehow it seems different.
As frightened as I am of change, I think it's always been reassuring to know when it's coming (more or less). Elementary school ends > CHANGE > middle school ends > CHANGE > high school ends > CHANGE > college ends > CHANGE > something else happens... And then what?
Change has been a pretty predictable thing--scary and hard, too. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't always easy to make those changes, but I guess I just always knew they would have to be made eventually. If I ever got tired of school (never) I could just be like "well, it'll all be over in May 2010."
My roommate and I who are both equally as terrified when it comes to the f*ture (it's the f-word around here) found a volunteer opportunity with the National Parks Service in Hawaii essentially babysitting and monitoring endangered sea turtle eggs. I couple of months in Hawaii hiking to this remote egg-laying site and watching them.
We were totally on board with this plan until we found out that we'd have to trap and kill animal predators. That turned us off.
But do you get it? Do you understand? I want to have life experiences like that before I get tied down to stuff...
Eloquent, I know.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
89 days and counting
Mood: Confused :/
Something is wrong this semester. I seem perfectly happy and content... but something is still wrong. I can't focus on anything; I'm slipping on class assignments; I become distracted by EVERYTHING... and I'm easily distracted to begin with.
Where is the magical reset button in my brain that will help me pull it together for the next 89 days? Can I get a doctor to open up my head and play around with stuff in there?
When I was a freshman, I felt like my brain was a huge pile of tacks. So, basically, sharp and useful (because tacks are useful). Now it feels like a wet sock. More like heavy and dumb.
Something is wrong this semester. I seem perfectly happy and content... but something is still wrong. I can't focus on anything; I'm slipping on class assignments; I become distracted by EVERYTHING... and I'm easily distracted to begin with.
Where is the magical reset button in my brain that will help me pull it together for the next 89 days? Can I get a doctor to open up my head and play around with stuff in there?
When I was a freshman, I felt like my brain was a huge pile of tacks. So, basically, sharp and useful (because tacks are useful). Now it feels like a wet sock. More like heavy and dumb.
Monday, February 15, 2010
90 days and counting
The Olympics make me feel really badly about myself. I love to watch and everything but, goodness, I can't help but feel like I haven't accomplished much of anything.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
91 days and counting
As someone who finds themselves single, I can honestly tell you that Valentine's Day doesn't make me bitter. I truly, honestly don't feel jealousy or anger... I don't double up on my dose of loneliness... none of that. It's stupid. Why should a made-up holiday make me feel excessively depressed about my relationship status?
I found a stupid Facebook application that randomly generates five Valentines for you and I decided to give it a shot.
The first two are gay, and the second is twice my age.
Number three is a boy named Danny. He's tall and has red hair and I asked him to senior prom in high school. He also got engaged last week. Awesome.
Number four is a guy who used to be a pretty close friend of mine but we "broke up" so to speak. Burn, Facebook. Burn.
And number five? Well... let's just say I certainly wouldn't mind ;)
I found a stupid Facebook application that randomly generates five Valentines for you and I decided to give it a shot.
The first two are gay, and the second is twice my age.
Number three is a boy named Danny. He's tall and has red hair and I asked him to senior prom in high school. He also got engaged last week. Awesome.
Number four is a guy who used to be a pretty close friend of mine but we "broke up" so to speak. Burn, Facebook. Burn.
And number five? Well... let's just say I certainly wouldn't mind ;)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
92 days and counting
Mood: thoughtful s:|
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
I have no idea where this came from. It's just floating around the internet like a sage (and maybe a bit cliche) phantom of wisdom and warning.
It caught my attention today and it's all I can think about.
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
I have no idea where this came from. It's just floating around the internet like a sage (and maybe a bit cliche) phantom of wisdom and warning.
It caught my attention today and it's all I can think about.
Friday, February 12, 2010
93 days and counting
Mood: Relieved :)
Tonight I went out to dinner with a friend. Her roommate is out of town visiting her boy in Chicago, and my roommate was occupied with a boy of her own, so we decided to take our single selves out and enjoy being in the presence of someone that doesn't make us want to vomit.
Pow-wows with this friend can last hours and hours and hours. I think our longest dinner outing was 6 hours. This one was only four.
I don't mind, though. We always have plenty to talk about.
She graduated from Drake last year and is in grad school now (also at Drake). I like talking to recent grads because I need to know what it's like on the outside. Adults can't give me that kind of information, I find. Mostly because they've been out for years and years and years, and can't relate all that well.
Anyway, we talked about pretty much everything from being absolutely, totally, 100% a-OK with being single (makes you wonder who we're trying to convince, right?) to the epic struggle of trying to find our place in the adult world. Deep.
Talking to her I became grateful that I know of at least one other person who is as conflicted as I am on a daily basis. I live in the world of pros and cons. I lay awake in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, mind racing with "Well, on on hand that would be good because..." and "On the other hand, though..."
It would be good to ask that boy out because maybe then you can date him... but do you really want to strike up a relationship when you have really tough decisions to make about your future? Won't he just interfere with that?
It would be good to stay in Iowa because you'll be making a lot of adjustments in your post-graduation life, so it'll be nice to have something that stays constant... but you came out here on a whim, didn't you? So maybe you'll love it somewhere else. Where's your sense of adventure? You should take advantage now while you're not tied down.
I'm so happy for my roommate; she's finally engaged... but I feel like my face is being rubbed in their relationship and I'm usually a third wheel in my own apartment.
All I've ever wanted to be is a writer. Let's look for jobs in writing... but the industry is bad, maybe we should put it on the back burner and pursue other options.
If I go to Burger King, I can get a cheeseburger... but you'll have to spend money and you said you'd save.
You can do anything you want... but what happens when you don't have the opportunity?
Let's look for jobs in Australia... but they have really big spiders there.
It never ends. But it's at least reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.
Tonight I went out to dinner with a friend. Her roommate is out of town visiting her boy in Chicago, and my roommate was occupied with a boy of her own, so we decided to take our single selves out and enjoy being in the presence of someone that doesn't make us want to vomit.
Pow-wows with this friend can last hours and hours and hours. I think our longest dinner outing was 6 hours. This one was only four.
I don't mind, though. We always have plenty to talk about.
She graduated from Drake last year and is in grad school now (also at Drake). I like talking to recent grads because I need to know what it's like on the outside. Adults can't give me that kind of information, I find. Mostly because they've been out for years and years and years, and can't relate all that well.
Anyway, we talked about pretty much everything from being absolutely, totally, 100% a-OK with being single (makes you wonder who we're trying to convince, right?) to the epic struggle of trying to find our place in the adult world. Deep.
Talking to her I became grateful that I know of at least one other person who is as conflicted as I am on a daily basis. I live in the world of pros and cons. I lay awake in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, mind racing with "Well, on on hand that would be good because..." and "On the other hand, though..."
It would be good to ask that boy out because maybe then you can date him... but do you really want to strike up a relationship when you have really tough decisions to make about your future? Won't he just interfere with that?
It would be good to stay in Iowa because you'll be making a lot of adjustments in your post-graduation life, so it'll be nice to have something that stays constant... but you came out here on a whim, didn't you? So maybe you'll love it somewhere else. Where's your sense of adventure? You should take advantage now while you're not tied down.
I'm so happy for my roommate; she's finally engaged... but I feel like my face is being rubbed in their relationship and I'm usually a third wheel in my own apartment.
All I've ever wanted to be is a writer. Let's look for jobs in writing... but the industry is bad, maybe we should put it on the back burner and pursue other options.
If I go to Burger King, I can get a cheeseburger... but you'll have to spend money and you said you'd save.
You can do anything you want... but what happens when you don't have the opportunity?
Let's look for jobs in Australia... but they have really big spiders there.
It never ends. But it's at least reassuring to know that I'm not the only one.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
94 days and counting
Mood: Sad :(
Today a friend of mine heard that someone close to him died in Afghanistan. He was mortally wounded while trying to rescue another hurt soldier.
It's all sorts of horrible to think about. I think about the people in the armed forces kind of a lot. I always wonder what war is like. And how scary it is to be there. And how much scarier it is to have that be normal. To not think about it anymore and just go about your day-to-day.
In the warmer months I like to go to the cemetery about once a month and feed bread to the ducks and fish. At first I thought it was weird to wake up early on a beautiful Saturday and dress nicely just to hang out at the cemetery, but I actually really enjoyed it. Whether or not that justifies the weirdness, I don't know.
After I run out of bread, I like to walk around the part of the cemetery with the military graves and pay my respects. I used to do the math and figure out how old they all were when they made the ultimate sacrifice to their country, but after finding dozens that were my age or younger, I found I could barely control myself from sobbing uncontrollably.
But I always go there and see them. I like to say that I'm "going to visit the soldiers." It just helps me take a giant step back from my own life and petty drama and take a time-out from stressing and instead give thanks and count my blessings.
Today a friend of mine heard that someone close to him died in Afghanistan. He was mortally wounded while trying to rescue another hurt soldier.
It's all sorts of horrible to think about. I think about the people in the armed forces kind of a lot. I always wonder what war is like. And how scary it is to be there. And how much scarier it is to have that be normal. To not think about it anymore and just go about your day-to-day.
In the warmer months I like to go to the cemetery about once a month and feed bread to the ducks and fish. At first I thought it was weird to wake up early on a beautiful Saturday and dress nicely just to hang out at the cemetery, but I actually really enjoyed it. Whether or not that justifies the weirdness, I don't know.
After I run out of bread, I like to walk around the part of the cemetery with the military graves and pay my respects. I used to do the math and figure out how old they all were when they made the ultimate sacrifice to their country, but after finding dozens that were my age or younger, I found I could barely control myself from sobbing uncontrollably.
But I always go there and see them. I like to say that I'm "going to visit the soldiers." It just helps me take a giant step back from my own life and petty drama and take a time-out from stressing and instead give thanks and count my blessings.
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