Farewell

After talking to people (and I mean all people who might even broach the subject of school - and they will), college begins to sound a bit like a terminal illness.

"How much time you got left?" they'll ask. And, no matter the answer, whether it be 3.5 years or only a week, they look at me with big eyes and take a sharp breath, as if I wouldn't believe the horror that awaits me on the other side. Like the real world is just waiting patiently for me, ready to crush my soul into oblivion, leaving me wondering what happened to my youthful spirit.

There's just all this pressure to figure "It" out. "It" meaning the future, our adult lives, plans... whatever you want to call it. And what's worse is that it's almost impossible not to buy into it, to become completely consumed by it all and consequently spent your dwindling days in the cushy (albeit hectic and incredibly stressful) college lifestyle panicking about it.

But here's what I learned: You don't have to figure it out. Not all of it. Not your whole life. What does that mean, anyway? Your whole life? I can't even wrap my head around that. And how do I know what I want? How am I the least bit qualified to know that after only 21 years? Heck, sometimes I don't eat dinner because I can't decide what I want. How am I supposed to make huge decisions for 40 years from now?

I don't know, but that's ok. Because I don't have to. Nobody ever figures their whole life out in one sitting. That would be stupid. Life isn't just a solid block of time. It's chunks. It's bits and pieces. And so we take it one chunk at a time. One step at a time. The high school step was four years, the college step was another four. Grad school will be another two... See? Totally manageable.

There's a lot to figure out. I've just started week three of post-graduation life, and already there are things to figure out. But I don't have to do that now. Some things, yes. Everything? No. I have nothing BUT time. Nothing but time.

I have my whole life. Don't you see? My WHOLE life. And I don't even know what that means just yet but now I think it's time for me to start finding out.

So that means, sadly, this is goodbye. It has been an honor and my pleasure to share my Drake years with you all and the, erm, well-rounded emotional experience that went with it. And now I turn toward, not the big, scary, capital-F Future, but the next little slice in the giant cake of life.

Mmm... did somebody say cake?

On my graduation...

Mood: accomplished
Happy thought: the end

Today I graduated. Today. I. Graduated. The words look weird on the page. They sound weird to say out loud.

It's just not real yet. I mean, I was there and everything. I walked across the stage, shook some hands, got a diploma cover (with a borderline-menacing letter inside telling me that even though I was able to participate in the ceremony, that doesn't necessarily mean I graduated), had my picture taken, hugged people like I'd never see them again...

So it definitely happened. It just doesn't feel like it did. I mean, how does something you've spent 18 years doing just... end? And what do you do with yourself after it does?

I don't know the answer, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

At graduation someone gave a speech full of extended metaphors and encouraging words about having faith and conviction and the other pretty typical graduation stuff. Not that it wasn't a good speech, of course.

Of the ten minutes or so he was speaking, he briefly told us to "stay brave." The phrasing struck me.

STAY brave. Not BE brave.

I admittedly tuned out the rest of his speech and began to ponder the difference and, more importantly, how it applied to the current situation.

It didn't take me long to realize that I much prefer the idea of staying brave, because it means we already have the bravery. I never thought of it before, but we DO already have bravery.

Leaving home was brave, presenting in front of class is brave, standing up for things we believe in is brave, speaking up is brave, stepping back is brave, taking responsibility of our own lives is brave, living independently is brave, being true to ourselves is brave...

The list of things that require bravery goes on and on. And that's really cool. You know why? Because every single one of us has done at least one of those things in our twenty-something years.

Bravery is not a trait we need to worry ourselves about acquiring post-graduation. We've always had it. It is not something we have to GET, rather it is something we have to USE.

Sometimes, I know (believe me) it's hard to remember that it's even there at all. So remind yourself. Remind yourself A LOT if that's what it takes, because I have a feeling it's going to be your most powerful tool.

You don't have to sacrifice fear or doubt for the sake of bravery, because the world is scary and unknown - that's a scientific fact. I think to pretend it isn't would be a lie.

So I think what me must do is stand up proudly (preferably on something tall - perhaps a mountain or picnic table... or a picnic table ON a mountain) and say "World, you're a scary place and I'm terrified of you, but I have some pretty awesome plans and I won't let you interfere with them."

1 day... and no longer counting

Mood: anxious
Happy thought: Graduation

The last link of my paper chain is up on my wall all by its lonesome. Not too long ago (99 days, in fact) it was part of a massive string that hung like garland over our kitchen.

Now one is all that remains.

In the last 99 days I cried myself to sleep, grew up, went to therapy, convinced myself I had no future, got a job, realized and tested my own independence, played too much tetris, struggled constantly to find motivation, drank entirely too much Coke, let go of some things and clung tightly to others.

I've been busy.

My family arrived tonight and seeing them was all I needed to be pretty much flooded with emotion. Encouraging words like "we're so proud!" and "you made it!" didn't help that situation, but were wonderful to hear regardless.

We went to campus to take pictures and show off home to all the relatives who haven't seen Drake before. It was beautiful weather and there was hardly a soul around and suddenly I felt like I was in one of those super cheesy movies during some sappy flashback montage.

But who doesn't like sappy montages?

We passed by Meredith Hall, home of journalism majors, the reflecting pond, the painted street and Carpenter Hall (home, sweet home). It was a unexpected but glorious trip down memory lane.

And, now, I walk.

2 days and counting

Mood: relieved
Happy thought: done, done, done!!!

This morning was it! I drove to campus, printed my BEAST of a capstone project, then went and slid it under the professor's door (it barely fit - something like 120 pages total).

Then I walked away.

A huge weight was instantly lifted (no, really - that thing was heavy...)

I was SUPER excited at first. I mean, wow. To be totally done? Probably forever? AMAZING!!!!

But then I found myself throughout the day having to remind myself that it's really over now. I would just be talking and realize with a start that, HOLY CRAP, I'm totally done.

It's totally unreal.

3 days and counting

Mood: anxious
Happy thought: cake!

Today my roommate and I went to the senior wine and cheese reception at President Maxwell's house. Everybody got all fancied up and got to check out his digs and mingle and eat and drink and all that.

Usually I shy away from things like that because the whole atmosphere just seems kind of fake and forced, but my roommate really wanted to go, so I went with her.

I'm really glad I did, too because I really enjoyed myself.

For the record - wine is totally not my thing.

But more to the point I really enjoyed looking around and seeing people I haven't seen since probably freshman year. It was cool to see how we all changed, but didn't change all at the same time. I liked hearing about what everybody has planned next or what they don't have planned next and...

I guess I just enjoyed the experience of connecting with a group of people who know exactly how I"m feeling. Not that I'm never around any seniors, but this was different. It wasn't about classes or homework or anything, it was about excitement and anxiety and exhaustion and it's kind of amazing the kind of camaraderie that can be fostered that way.

4 days and counting

Mood: anxious :/
Happy thought: GRILLED PB&J!

I'm soooo not ready to leave. SO not ready. I am, but I'm so not. What if I can't do it? What if I can't be a real adult? What if I'm really bad at being a grown up? What if I screw everything up? What if I trip at graduation? What if I throw up? What if I can't handle the real world? What if I get scared?

How do you not be a student anymore? How do you meet new people without school? How do you be a real person?

I need ANSWERS!!!

5 days and counting

Mood: Sluggish...
Happy thoughts: Wedding invitations

I was reminded recently that I promised to post a list of Drake's Finest (based solely on my opinion, of course), so before I forget, I'll do that now. I'll break them down by department and list them alphabetically

ENGLISH
Megan Brown: I took three classes with her and they were all fabulous. She's smart, funny, witty, engaging, and fabulous to have in class. She offers helpful criticism, gently, and I always feel like I learned something at the end of the semester. I realize that last part sounds kind of obvious, but, trust me, that's not always the case.

Jeff Karnicky: I took five classes with him (including my very first one and my very last) and they all pretty much hurt my brain. In a good way, of course. He's pretty much brilliant and, honestly, pretty funny (though, sometimes not intentionally). We've dealt with some abstract ideas and oddball writers (Franz Kafka, for instance...) but it's all very enjoyable and if he teaches it, it's a class worth taking. I promise.

JOURNALISM
Lori Blachford: I didn't have a class with her until junior year, sadly. She has loads of experience in the industry; she's hilarious; she's super helpful. You can always just stop by to chat without any good reason. I got an internship at Meredith thanks to her; she's just a good person to have in your corner.

Jeff Inman: I also didn't have him until I was a junior. He's friendly and funny and wry and geeky and smart and awesome to have in class. Be warned: he's not afraid to spill some ink all over your work. But don't worry, you won't be able to read half of it. But the criticism is more helpful than it is harsh, so there's nothing to be afraid of. Oh, he also brought us bagels. So he's clearly a favorite.

OTHER
I basically have only one other to add...

Keith Summerville: I took his entomology class on a whim for credits and it turned out to be THE best class I took at Drake. The thing that struck me about Keith is that he cares about all students, not just ones in his field of study. So he was more than happy to guide a lost journalism senior. He's also brilliant and funny and has really cool stuff in his office.

So there you have it... my official list of the best of the best. If these guys teach it, you'd do well to take it.

6 days and counting

Mood: content, for now
Happy thought: paper cutters

My dad is kind of a nerd, but I love him for it. We like the reality show "The Amazing Race," where teams of two race around the world doing all sorts of crazy stuff. One day we'll be on it; just you wait and see.

In the meantime, though, he wrote me this in an email this morning and I decided to exploit it and count it as my post today.

College is kind of like an Amazing Race. There have definitely been Detours, RoadBlocks, and SpeedBumps along the way, but you have overcome them all. Each semester ending is kind of like a pit stop. Some people get eliminated along the way, but you are on the final leg. The mat is on the stage of the Knapp Center, where Phil Keoghan(in a President Maxwell disguise) is waiting. “4 years, 40 classes, 40 million words read, Meagan Savage, you have won the College Amazing Race!”

Gold star for the metaphor, Pop!

7 days and counting

Mood: Happy :)
Happy thought: My mama :) :) :)

You know you have a problem when your "study break" is actually the ten minutes set aside each hour to get stuff done and the other fifty minutes is spent on YouTube...

I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

8 days and counting

Mood: Happy :) :) :)
Happy thought: Goldfinches!

Today I went to my new place and did laundry FOR FREE in our WASHER AND DRYER. The best part is that the clothes actually DRIED. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Then, I sat out on our deck and watched a goldfinch hop around the yard. I named him Atticus (because, really, what else would you name a finch?)

He is Atticus and he is mine and he will be my Atticus.

9 days and counting

Mood: tiiiiired
Happy thought: Fridays

I've pretty much exhausted myself with being all emotional lately. But I think I need to just shut up and focus because it's not even over yet. I can cry in 9 days. For now it's time to get down to business and make sure I get to cross that stage.

One last push.

I need a six-pack of Coke, ibuprofen, and killer Pandora recommendations STAT. If you could find a little motivation, that'd be good, too.

10 days and counting

Mood: a mess... still? or again? hard to say
Happy thought: REALLY good cupcakes

Well, today was it. It was my absolute last day of class. Probably ever. Or, at the very least, for a really, really, really long time.

I walked out of my very last class and someone said something to the effect of "yay! It's summer!!" and I just wanted to punch that kid in the face.

Sure, classes are over, but that doesn't mean I don't have a crapload of stuff to get done yet. The end of classes is always a bit misleading that way. Classes are done, but now you have God knows how much work to do.

For example, I have a project, a capstone, and a 15-page paper due. So now is not the time to rest.

But the end of classes was still significant. And, oddly, my last class ever at Drake was with the very same professor who taught my first class ever at Drake. We've had five classes together in four years. That has to be some sort of record.

That's a lot of classes. That's like taking one semester with ONLY him. Think about it.

Because I practically followed this guy around for four years, I took it upon myself to give him a hard time about pretty much everything. My favorites, though, had to be pestering him to have class outside and being disgusted by his hatred of the new Star Trek movie.

Alas, he'll no longer have me to fill that role, and I'm sure he's pretty upset about it. We decided, though, I'll have to come back to visit in the fall, sit in on his freshman class and hand-pick my successor.

So I walked out of my last class ever with a professor that has been a staple in my Drake experience and, once again, had to dart to my car before I started crying freely in public.

Ten days and counting... and I'm still a mess.

11 days and counting

Mood: emotional :/
Happy thought: baby birdies

For my English capstone course, we each have to complete some sort of final writing project. It's pretty open-ended. People are writing academic papers (God bless them... because, seriously... I couldn't do it). Some are doing fiction and poetry and just all sorts of stuff.

Mine is this, essentially. I'm doing my 100-day journal/chronicle of the last 100 days of school. I'm doing an online version here on the blog and then a different (though occasionally overlapping) version just for class purposes.

The idea of doing this project apparently shook the whole world for a classmate of mine, who never fails to tell me at least once a week in class how badly I scared him when I announced to the whole class that day in early February that we had only 100 days (calendar days, not even school days) left of our Drake experience. Scared HIM? I'm the one DOING this project. I'm the one TACKLING this beast. Talk about scary.

Anyway...

Today we did our capstone presentations, which was essentially just a reading of our work. We didn't have to read if we didn't want to, but I was feeling up to the challenge.

I was much more nervous than I thought I would be. After 76 years or so of writing all sorts of papers and stories and what have you, I've grown quite used to the idea of people reading, editing, and commenting on my work, then being confronted with the whole class as they discuss what I've written.

The rules of each peer workshop changes from class to class and professor to professor. Last semester I wasn't allowed to talk or respond to the criticism as my work was being reviewed. I had to sit there and take notes and just listen as they talked about me like I wasn't in the room.

"Real authors can't respond to the stuff we say about their work," said the professor.

That's valid. But that didn't make it less terrifying.

The point is, having people read my stuff on their own is very different than reading it TO them. On one hand, it's a good thing. I can rely on things like inflection and body language and facial expression to convey whatever it is I'm saying, and worry less about what's getting lost in translation.

On the other hand, whatever separation there once was between writer and text, between the author and their product, is completely obliterated. I kind of love the idea that I'm not necessarily what I write or, really, who I write. I love the idea that I exist independently of my own words. But, when you read out loud... that barrier vanishes.

Not that I didn't enjoy it. I made a girl laugh so hard she seriously began to cry. And hearing the project out loud helped me identify parts I'd like to go back and change or fix. So the experience was a good one, but odd and terrifying, too.

Then, of course, in class it kind of just hit me that it was our final meeting and that was pretty emotional. The professor was getting all choked up, so I was getting choked up and she said something like "This is me not saying goodbye..." and that pretty much just did me in.

I've been in classes with her since freshman year and I was not at all warming to the idea of the end.

After we did the reading, I hung around as long as I possibly could before walking quickly away and retreating to the fortress of my car (because nobody can see me in there.... riiiight...) so I could open the flood gates.

11 days and counting and I'm going to be a total mess for allllll 11 of them.

12 days and counting

Mood: ... yikes ...
Happy thought: having hard stuff be over and done with

I had to give a panel presentation today, which I had never done before. In one of my classes we each have to write a final paper about the books we've read over the semester. Based on our topics, we were broken into groups so that one group of people were working with one general topic or theme, if that makes sense.

Then we had to give a "panel presentation" to the class, which essentially just required each of us to talk for five minutes about what our individual papers were about.

So... in theory, that doesn't sound all that scary. But, for some reason, when it came time for me to talk, I looked down at my paper and like couldn't read the words. I just opened my mouth and hoped that what came out 1) made sense and 2) seemed smart-sounding.

I don't know if I talked for five minutes... or longer than five minutes... or shorter than five minutes... I have no idea. Overall, I think it was fine, but still... it was a very weird experience. I almost always talk in class, I don't have a problem getting in front of people really, and yet today I was all over the stage fright?

So weird...

13 days and counting

Mood: HAPPY :) :) :)
Happy thought: new apartments!

Roommate and I went to revisit a couple of apartments we saw last week. This time we brought her fiance, since he'll also be living with us.

After a couple of hours we picked a place and we signed a lease and took posession of our new, WONDERFUL, single-story townhouse with a YARD and a DECK.

AND, you know what else it has? A WASHER AND DRYER IN-UNIT!

Bliss.

14 days and counting

Mood: sad and relieved
Happy thought: endings and beginnings

Today was my last meeting for Alpha Phi Omega, the campus service fraternity I've been involved with for four years.

I wasn't as active with the fraternity as I had been in the past, partly because it's my last semester and I have quite a few other thinsg on my plate, and also because I wanted to let the new leadership emerge and not be such a visible presence in the chapter anymore.

That sounds horrible conceited, but... that's the best I could do.

Anyway, I'm partly relieved to be done with it because, as with any group of people anywhere in the world, we had our fair share of drama, which tended to fluctuate between "petty" and "ridiculous." Sometimes it just sucks you in and you wake up one day and think "Why on EARTH does this matter?"

So, in that sense, I'm glad to be out now.

Then again, I put everything into APO during the last four years. I wasn't always terribly hardcore about school, but I was always hardcore about APO. Always.

And now it's time to let it go.

Luckily, the job I landed for post-graduation is with the national office of APO, so it's not exactly good-bye. Quite the opposite actually. So I think it's a good compromise.

15 days and counting

Mood: eeeep!
Happy thought: food!!!

My roommate and I decided a while ago that before we graduate we wanted to eat brunch at Hubbell one last time.

The Hubbell dining hall on campus gets kind of a bad reputation, which I find mostly exaggerated - for the record, but when they do brunch on the weekends, nobody is complaining.

It's just full of all sorts of tasty food like omelets, pizza, yogurt, Belgian waffles, fruit, pancakes, eggs... you name it, it's all there.

Anyawy, since we live off campus now, we no longer have a meal plan and, therefore, no longer eat on campus. We could pay real money to eat at the dining hall, but we choose not to.

But we realized that we could say good-bye to Drake wtihout one last brunch, so we went out, paid real money, and gave Hubbell a proper farewell.

Afterward we went to the bookstore so I could get my graduation tassels.

It just gets a little more real every day...

16 days and counting

Mood: sad :(
Happy thought: candy!

Today I spoke to my supervisor at Meredith about when my last day will be. Now that I have a job lined up and am getting close to figuring out living arrangements, it was time to talk about leaving.

I was actually sadder than I thought I would be. It's not one of those jobs or environments I could see myself working in long-term (just because I'm not a desk job type), but Meredith treated me very well. The people were great and I got some very valuable experience.

Generally, I think it's also sad simply because it's the end of an era. A lot of things are ending kind of all at once and that's not easy.

17 days and counting

Mood: sad :(
Happy thought: spring breeze

I've been spending a lot of time on campus after classes lately. Usually I'm done at like 3:30 and jet on home. But these days I'm meandering around here and there, visiting with all sorts of people like professors and such.

Part of me feels like I realize that it's all coming to an end very quickly and maybe this is just me squeezing in last-minute visits with everybody before I graduate. It's kind of weird, actually. It's like I feel all of these visits are necessary and are serving as a means of saying good-bye.

First of all, I'm going to be living in Ames. It's a whopping half hour drive. I can come back any time I want. Second of all, nobody ever admits it's goodbye. After every visit I hear "OK, be sure to stop back before you graduate..."

What do you think THIS visit was for? I mean, I'll accept that a month or so beforehand, but when we're down to only a handful of days? ... seems a little weird.

Regardless, it's starting to get sad now. Like I said, it doesn't have to be good-bye if I don't want it to be, but it still is in a way. It's pretty much the same thing with high school. I went back to visit, but the older I got, the weirder it felt to be there again.

And one day that will happen with Drake, too.

18 days and counting

Mood: sluggish
Happy thought: church music

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back." ~ Eve Ensler

It's time to be brave.

19 days and coutning

Mood: Sentimental
Happy thought: Clean apartment

I was driving to campus today for class and passed the Knapp Center, where there's an electronic sign that flashes "We are Drake Bulldogs." I see it all the time, but never really look at it much.

Today it caught my eye and I read "We are Drake Bulldogs," and before I realized it I was crying like a fool.

The whole semester leading up to graduation has been filled with panic and excitement, but never really sentimentality or sadness... well, maybe a little, but they were negligible in light of everything else I was feeling.

I just suddenly realized that in 19 days I'm going to be leaving Drake. And that's really sad. I can come back, of course. I can come back any time I want. But it'll never be home again like it's been home the past four years.

And it's supposed to be that way, but that doesn't make it less sad.

20 days and counting

Mood: excited!
Happy thought: Ryan Reynolds movies

Today Roomie and I went to Ames to go apartment hunting. Apartment hunting is always lots of fun because you get all riled up and excited about a new place and all that. The idea of moving is always fun. It's a fresh start and a change of scenery.

We visited about six or so places (some apartments, some townhouses) and we found a couple that we really like. We're not sure if we'll pick one of them or keep looking.

The plan is to move in with her fiancee, so we're hoping we can go see them with him soon so we know for sure.

And as fun as it is to look, it makes it kind of hard to come home to your actual apartment at the end of the day. Haha. It's not a bad place, where I live. But I'm definitely looking forward to moving :P

21 days and coutning

Mood: !!!!
Happy thought: seeing the folks

Today I was milling around my apartment and glanced at the clock. It was 10:30 AM. 10:30AM. No big deal for a Sunday morning.

I continued to shuffle around sleepily for like two minutes before OMG, IT HIT ME LIKE A BRICK WALL.

THREE WEEKS FROM THAT PERFECT MOMENT, I WOULD BE SITTING IN A CAP AND GOWN IN THE KNAPP CENTER...

Holy cow! HOLY COW!

Three weeks is nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing at all.

Unfortunately, I have a lot more than nothing to do between now and then.

22 days and counting

Mood: antsy

Happy thought: those really pretty flowering trees with white petals that blow off in the wind

This weekend is Relays and, naturally, the weather forecast is calling for thunderstorms and wind. It can't be Relays without genuinely crappy weather. Of course, the rest of the week was gorgeous, and we're expecting more gorgeous weather on the other side of the weekend, too. It's just one of those things you can always depend on.

Relays is, of course, a pretty exciting time. People come from ALL over the country to compete, Drake gets a lot of attention (and probably a good amount of money), there's lots of things going on... it's just a good time.

On the other hand... our tiny campus was not built to host THOUSANDS of visitors in addition to the students who live here. Traffic is bad, parking is horrendous, the local campus bars and restaurants are packed to the gills with alumni trying to relive the glory days... the list goes on.

So, I hope it doesn't make me a horrible person for saying this, but I'm looking forward to all these people going back home and giving us our campus back.

Perhaps I'm just a bitter senior.

23 days and counting

Mood: sleepy

Happy thought: springtime!!!

I work at Meredith Corp. on Fridays all day, usually proofreading a variety of magazine stuff. It's not a bad job, but sometimes I can feel my eyes blurring and my brain kind of getting tired.

When that happens, I get up and walk around the building for a few minutes so I can get back to my reading with fresh eyes and not miss glaring errors.

Anyway, I really love walking around Meredith because there's stuff kind of everywhere. Not in a bad way, but in an interesting "ooh, look at that" sort of way. It's mostly props and things for photo shoots or samples that companies send in with hopes of getting featured in a magazine.

My favorite stash of stuff is over near Better Homes and Gardens. There's one corner that's just FULL of big, floppy, garden hats of all sorts of different colors and patterns. I don't know why, but they just make me smile every time I see them.

24 days and counting

Mood: contemplative

Happy thought: tulips!

Earlier this week I was offered a job (that I accepted), so all of a sudden I have plans for after graduation. It's a wonderful feeling.

But here's the thing - most of the people I know DON'T have plans. They're trying to get a job; they're trying to get in to grad school... whatever. They're STRESSED out. Just like I was.

So as excited as I am that I got a job, I feel kind of weird shouting it from the mountain tops (or, more realistically, posting it all over facebook). I'm sure they'd be happy for me and all that, but I know watching other friends get jobs and internships when you're not having much luck just adds stress and frustration to the whole situation. And I don't want that.

I did, however, come up with a compromise combining my need to tell people and not frustrate my friends. I'm telling the people who have already graduated and have jobs and the underclassmen who don't have to freak out about all that just yet.

25 days and counting

Mood: Shock

Happy thought: gainful employment

Today I pulled in to my apartment's parking lot and noticed that my roommate wasn't home. I thought that was weird, because she's ALWAYS home when I get home on Tuesdays.

I thought maybe she might have sent me a text message and I just didn't hear my phone go off since it was on silent from being in class. So I lazily pulled my phone out of my pocket to see that I was getting a call RIGHT THEN from Alpha Phi Omega, the group with whom I interviewed for a job just last Friday.

I wasn't as excited as I was confused. They told me they weren't expecting to make a decision for another couple of weeks yet because they had two others to interview.

The gal on the other end simply asked if I had any medical conditions that would prevent me from doing the job, to which I replied no I don't... and then out of nowhere she says "Oh, well then we'd like to offer you the position."

My brain stopped. Or maybe my heart. Or maybe both. I don't know. I don't even think I responded right away. I was still processing what was happening. After my brain rebooted, I was able to accept the position.

Right then, my roommate pulled in next to me and just looked at me and knew. We silently freaked out and jumped up and down, right there in our parking lot.

So, here's the skinny on the job. It's with Alpha Phi Omega, a national service fraternity that I've been heavily involved with at Drake. The national office needed a field representative (that's me) to go around the country, visit chapters, and help them with leadership development, recruitment, starting new chapters... that sort of thing.

It's a salaried position with benefits, which is music to my ears.

I'm incredibly excited to get started. APO is something I've dedicated a lot of time to as an undergrad, and I'm thrilled at the opportunity to travel around sharing my enthusiasm and strengthening other chapters to make the APO experience better for all brothers involved.

I'm walking on air right now... it's a huge burden that's been lifted.

26 days and counting

Mood: sluggish

Happy thought: cardinals!

Really, school? You're going to happen today? You suck.

Love,

Meagan

27 days and counting

Mood: *Grumble*

Happy thought: Ibuprofen

I don't drink, but I highly suspect this is what a hangover might feel like. I suppose 2.5 hours of sleep would have been better than none.

I'm sure that's true... but it was worth it.

28 days and counting

Mood: drained... thank you, mr. sun and excessive walking... oh, and staying up all night.

Happy thought: Festivals!

Yesterday after my job interview in Missouri, I drove straight to Ames to go to Iowa State University for their VEISHEA celebration. It's basically like the Drake Relays, only minus the athletic events, and multiplied by about 8,000. Iowa State pretty much just celebrates itself with a giant week-long festival that people flock to from ALL over the place.

Anyway, I was invited to join some friends from the ISU chapter of APO for the weekend, so I thought I'd go check it out.

Friday night was interesting. We saw some trippy magician guy who did all sorts of mind-blowing card tricks (which is impressive in and of itself, right? I mean, who's impressed by card tricks these days?) and then saw a man called "The Regurgitator" which was appalling and captivating all at the same time. He swallowed live gold fish and then spit them back up, still alive. He swallowed a cup of sugar, drank a glass of water, then brought the sugar back dry. I dunno, the list of weirdness goes on. Check him out on YouTube (Stevie Starr the regurtigator).

We were out until about 3am, but a couple of us had to be up at 5:30 to help set up a booth for Saturday activities. I was spending the night in Derek's apartment, but we convinced ourselves it would be pointless to sleep for only 2.5 hours, and instead stayed up talking. I have no real idea of what we talked about, exactly. We were both kind of out of it and probably half asleep, but we kept the convo going anyway, somehow.

We each got a quick nap, though, when the other person was in the shower. But fifteen minutes doesn't much count.

The day was fun anyway, despite being dead tired. Apparently VEISHEA has these famous baby cherry pies. Like you can't go to VEISHEA and not get one. They sell out super fast and the demand is crazy high. So I ate one (it was tasty - which is saying something because I'm not a huge cherry fan), thus I am able to legitimize my VEISHEA experience.

Derek and I were also able to separate ourselves from the group and go watch the VEISHEA parade (which was a whopping two hours - crazy!). And that was our first date (yes, you may "awww" if you'd like), so that was fun.

Most of the rest of the day was spent with a bunch of other ISU kids visiting booths and checking stuff out and enjoying the gorgeous weather. I really enjoyed myself. It was kind of like a baby Iowa State Fair. And I got to see LOADS of dogs, so that was a bonus.

We had to tear down the booth we were in charge of at 5ish and then I went home shortly after (since I hadn't been home since Thursday) and it was probably incredibly stupid for me to make that drive as tired as I was. It wasn't safe at all. I made it, but I'll never do that again.

So, if you get a chance ever, hit up VEISHEA. If for no other reason than to hang out on a MASSIVE campus that is absolutely gorgeous in the springtime.

29 days and counting

Mood: OMG! ONE MONTH!
Happy thought: OMG! ONE MONTH!

Today was my job interview for the field rep position with Alpha Phi Omega, my service fraternity, and I'm THRILLED to say I think it went really well. I have a really good feeling about it.

I interviewed all day and met with a variety of people and was able to ask LOTS and lots of questions to find out more about the position, which was great. I feel like I have a much better idea of what's expected of me.

They actually gave me a sheet with all the information about salary and benefits, which was nice because I knew I had to ask about it and was feeling really awkward. So that definitely saved me.

Even if nothing comes from this trip as far as a job is concerned, I'm really proud of myself that I even made it to this step in the process. AND I got to see where all the APO magic happens which was TOTALLY cool in a nerdy way.

There are two other candidates coming in for interviews in the next week or two, so I have to just sit and wait and keep my fingers crossed. I hate waiting, but it's at least a bit comforting to know that I've literally done all I can do to get the job and now it's entirely out of my hands.

30 days and counting

Mood: excited
Happy thought: road trips

Today I took a bit of a road trip down south to Independence, Missouri, home of the Alpha Phi Omega national office, for my job interview. The interview itself isn't until tomorrow, but I'm spending the night in the hotel tonight so I can head over to the office bright and early tomorrow morning.

I've been full of nervous energy all day. It's a bit better now that I'm actually here, but I'm still feeling pretty antsy, though tired. I don't doubt I'm going to crash pretty soon. And that will be a good thing; I want to be well rested for tomorrow.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

31 days and counting

Mood: sick
Happy thought: tissues with Vicks (omg, get them)

Four years ago when I was just a wee freshman magazine major, a TV show called Ugly Betty debuted on ABC. It followed a young post-college gal (America Ferrera) as an entry-level assistant at a major fashion magazine in New York. She was overweight and was a bit outlandish with her outfit choices, which made her a fish out of water. But she worked hard and proved herself consistently ... so on and so forth.

No idea why that sort of show would appeal to me... haha.

Anyway, it's ending. After four years, ABC is pulling the plug on one of the quirkiest, most original television shows I've ever seen. It's sad. I also can't help but feel that the timing is a little weird. The show was on four years - it began almost immediately after I came to Drake, and will end only days before I leave.

I get it's a TV show. I do. I'm not one of those crazy people who gets obsessively attached to shows or characters or whatever, but Betty and her gang struck a chord with me. It was kind of encouraging to see this gal struggle and overcome obstacles in the world of magazines while I was studying all those very same things in school. I understand that her experience isn't exactly real, and it's likely over-dramatized, but that doesn't mean it wasn't based in some sort of reality.

She had to change and grow and really decide what was important to her. She had to make goals and chase dreams and make difficult decisions. She had to sell out then make it right. She had to figure out her priorities and stand up for herself. She had to prove herself. She had to fail. Not at all unlike what most of us are going through right now.

On the show lately Betty has been keeping a blog for the kind of writing she wants to be doing (since she doesn't want to spend her whole life in fashion) and the whole motivation behind it is to inspire someone. And, you know what? She did.

Betty Suarez, a person who doesn't even technically exist in our reality, has inspired me. The show is wrapping up so she's starting to consider all these major life-changing options and things, and I feel like I'm doing the same on some level. Watching her is like a reminder that it's time to be brave and take that next step with confidence, even if we don't know what's waiting for us when we do. So thanks for that, Betty.

32 days and counting

Mood: weird
Happy thought: Open windows

I'm in a bit of a weird mood today and I really don't know quite how to describe it.

32 days is not a long time. In fact, it's a very short time. It's like... blink-and-you'll-miss-it short.

School has been going well. The fight against apathy has its good days and bad ones, but generally I'm able to keep my head above water. I'm prepared for the plunge into finals week.

Socially things are awesome. I spend a lot of time with friends. I've been traveling all over the place lately. I was in STL for Easter and went to MN and Vegas for spring break and then a couple of weeks before that I went to University of Iowa in Iowa City. Heck, I even have a date this weekend.

Professionally I don't have any complaints. Thursday I'm leaving for a job interview in Independence, which is about all I can think about. I'm in love with the idea of the job and hope to do really well. I'm nervous about it, but I tend to do well during face-to-face interviews so I think I'll be ok.

So I can't really put my finger on it. I just think it might be the overall reality that in a few short days I will no longer have school in my life. And I'm not just talking about Drake or college and that sort of thing. School has been the primary institution in my life for the past 16 years. That's like 80% of my entire life. That's where I've spent most of my time. That's how I met all of my friends. That's where I learned the most about myself and the world around me. And without it, I kind of expect to feel and odd sort of emptiness.

33 days and counting

Mood: peaceful
Happy thought: leaves on the trees

I've been thinking about the idea of "stumbling around" a lot lately. I had a professor tell us (a room full of weary seniors) that it's totally ok to stumble around after graduation. You know something? She's right. Then again, she always is.

Type A people like me are kind of terrified of the idea of stumbling around because that means we have to learn how to go with the flow and be totally open-minded to things we would normally not consider and deal with the fact that our whole lives aren't planned out to the very last detail.

I'm tired of being afraid of stumbling around, so I decided not to be anymore. I decided that a while ago, and I'm much better off for it. In fact, I'm kind of excited by the idea of getting to stumble around for a while. That's how you find stuff, right? That's how you learn and grow and discover and experience things, right?

I think so.

So I'm happy to say I'm no longer afraid to stumble. I greet the opportunity with open arms and an open mind.

34 days and counting

Mood: eh
Happy thought: no homework

I met some people today and as part of my standard college introduction, had to include my major as part of my information. Frankly, I feel like we should all just have baseball cards or something with our pictures and stats on the back.

Meagan Savage:
Home state: Colorado
Year: Senior
Major: Magazine journalism and English

Man, it would make my life easier. Anyway, today I didn't even introduce myself as a journalism major at all; I was just an English major. It made me kind of sad afterward.

I'm not taking any journalism classes this semester because I'm, like, done with them all. It's a really bizarre feeling. In a lot of ways it does really feel like I'm not a journalism student anymore.

That's not a good thing, either. I want to feel like a budding journalist again.

35 days and counting

Mood: exhausted
Happy thought: being outside

I think it might be true what they say about good things happening all at once.

36 days and counting

Mood: contemplative

Happy thought: love :)

Depending on where you are geographically, it may or may not be news to you that WBC is coming to campus tomorrow. The Westboro Baptist Church, that is. And, for those who still don't know who or what that is, it's a small but incredibly vocal group of individuals under the leadership of Fred Phelps who protest soldiers' funerals and stand on street corners with classy and tasteful signs like "God hates fags" and "God bless dead soldiers." Things like that.

They're coming in the first place because Drake is hosting a symposium regarding the issue of same-sex marriage, which was legalized in Iowa last April. The event itself seems to be a rather standard gathering of civil differences in opinion.

Alas, it caught the attention of Mr. Phelps and his fam, so for about 40 minutes in the early morning tomorrow, our campus (rather, the street across from campus) will be infiltrated with people spewing tactless, vulgar, repugnant, reprehensible, downright vile messages of hate.

You know, I'm a journalist, so I love the first amendment by nature. But... these guys...

Anyway, Drake students weren't too pleased with the news. Not too pleased at all. So, we're exercising our rights, too. We're forming a counter-protest. A peaceful one, of course, to avoid hideous legal ramifications like the father of late Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder who was ordered to pay the WBC's court fees after he sued them for invasion of privacy when they picketed his son's funeral. Nothing short of ridiculous.

So far, I'm really impressed with the level of organization that's being put into this thing. It's entirely student-run; President Maxwell sent out a memorandum a couple of days ago addressing the group's presence and how we should conduct ourselves if we choose to participate in the counter-protest. Drake gets a gold star for this one, I think.

I saw this video a while ago and loved this guy's approach to the WBC. The video caught on all over the Drake network on Facebook, so I believe the plan is to also raise money for local organizations and groups that support the gay and jewish communities (they're also hitting a couple of synagogues after they're done at Drake). A couple of kids had some t-shirts made, the proceeds of which are also going to these organizations.

I'm really interested to see how all this plays out. I've heard before that a couple of times the WBC didn't even show up to protest. Personally, I haven't yet decided if I'll go to the counter-protest. I did, however, buy a shirt (which is really cool - it's the state of Iowa and on it it says "Anything hate can do, love can do better") since the profits were going to worthy causes. Shouting back and forth at the WBC for 40 minutes doesn't seem like it'll do much good, and I mostly think they WANT people to get this riled up about them. They WANT this kind of attention, so part of me thinks the best way to handle them is to not handle them at all.

That and I'm not sure I can be in the presence of evil without throwing up. And I really hate throwing up.

37 days and counting

Mood: content, though tired
Happy thought: ladybugs

Tonight I practically went medieval on my apartment in an attempt to find my mailbox key that has been missing for the last couple of days. It's a tiny, thin silver key that has a knack for slipping between couch cushions and things.

We even put it on a penguin key chain so we could keep better track of it and gave it a nice little home on a shelf by the door, but, alas, it has managed to go missing anyway.

Without it, I haven't been able to check mail, of course. And, despite the fact that I'm sure that all the mail (if there's any at all) will mostly consist of local ads and a variety of questionable credit card offers, knowing I can't check mail is driving me crazy. I check mail like it's my job... and now I can't.

Oddly, this is coming only a week or so after my laundry card went missing. It also has a nice little home on a shelf by my front door, but somehow managed to wander away. I couldn't live without it after a few days and caved and bought a new one.

I'm sure they're hanging out somewhere together.

38 days and counting

Mood: excited
Happy thought: good morning text messages

Next week I have an interview at the Alpha Phi Omega national office in Independence, Missouri for a field rep position I applied for a few weeks ago. See previous posts for more details on that.

Anyway, I'm beyond excited about it. In fact, it's all I can think about. My brain is constantly in Independence. Which I realize is bad because my body is in Des Moines and has plenty to focus on here in Iowa.

But the more I think about this job, the more perfect it seems. First - It's APO, something I've put all of myself into as an undergrad at Drake. I had a variety of leadership positions (including president), I spend every weekend doing APO something or other, I'm constantly talking about it or thinking about it... I'm just crazy in love with it.

The job is really heavily travel-based, which is really exciting to me. Lately I've been feeling incredibly restless. Like I don't want to sit at the same desk every day and do the same job every day and make the same commute every day. But this job doesn't have that. It seems like it's full of different people and places and new experiences and I love that. It'll give me an opportunity to continue to participate in something I love beyond all imaginable reason AND help me feel like I'm experiencing things... win-win, I think.

39 days and counting

Mood: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy thought: tassels

Um. Holy COW! Is it just me, or does it seem like 39 is A LOT less than 40??? OMG! 39 DAYS! THAT'S INSANE!!!!!

I'm apt to freak out. It's not a bad freak out, though. It's good. I promise. But, really??? 39 days!? That's like... a month. Ok, it's more than that. But not MUCH more than that.

I have so much to dooooooooo until then. And I don't want to dooooooooooooo any of it. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't.

Ah, I'm so conflicted. And I'm full of this weird nervous energy all the time. Like I totally want to rock school for the next few weeks and go full steam ahead, but then I usually channel it into something stupid like dancing like a fool in my apartment than into school work. Then by the time I'm tired of dancing, I can barely stay awake to do school work. So... that's weird.

I'm just antsy. And excited. And kind of crazy.

40 days and counting

Mood: care-free... in a bad way
Happy thought: cozy sweatpants

Goooodnesssssss.... it'll never just be over, will it? The longest five weeks of my life....

41 days and counting

Mood: grateful
Happy thought: spring :)

So, today, obviously, is Easter. Happy Easter to you all :) Or, if you're not into the Easter thing, happy first Sunday in April. Or happy spring time. Or happy Gorge Yourself on Chocolate Day. Take your pick.

I'm at a friend's house in STL this weekend and having a delightful time. Her family is A LOT like my family which is really awesome. I've been missing my family quite a lot lately, so it is nice to spend time with people who remind me of them.

Anyway, lately I've been having really weird "what a difference a year makes" sort of moments. Like... a lot of them. But today I was just really slapped in the face with it.

Toward the end of last school year and all through the summer I had a really rough time with... everything. For every reason I could list out for you, I'd feel like there are four or five more reasons I just can't put my finger on. A lot happened at once and I didn't exactly handle it well... if I handled it at all, really.

But it all seemed to kind of start last Easter, so to find myself sitting in church again for Easter 2010 was a great relief. Trust me, I wasn't always convinced I'd make it.

I just sat in church and thought about everything that happened and didn't happen and changed and didn't change in the past year and it's really astounding. Again, there isn't a whole lot I can put my finger on, but things are so different now. For one thing, I feel tremendously happy. But also more... grown up, mature. I'm stronger, I'm smarter.

They say Easter and springtime are all about rebirth and, not to be corny or whatever, but in that moment I truly felt reborn. Like maybe I needed this Easter to make me reflect on everything really extensively so I can, at long last, close that chapter and start on a clean page.

It sounds weird, I know.

42 days and counting

Mood: should have worn sunscreen
Happy thought: animals :)

Today I went to the St. Louis zoo with my friend Julia. We went with her little brother, Will, who's in high school. He's 16 and while we were there, we hooked up with a group of his friends.

They're all super nice and funny and adorable in a high school way, but I couldn't help but feel so old in that twenty minutes I was standing there. They were talking about Mr. History Teacher and Ms. English Teacher and Crazy Sports Coaches and I just felt like I aged fifty years.

And they way they were talking about all of it was like it was the center of their whole life and crucial to their very happiness which, of course, it is. When you're in high school, high school is all that matters. Which makes sense.

Not that it's all that different in college. College is all that matters when you're in college, too. It's just a different set of stuff that matters. That's not to mention that college offers you that amazing perspective on high school that really makes you think "Goodness, why was all of that stuff THAT important to me?"

43 days and counting

Mood: dead
Happy thought: driving music :)

Ok, so... I kind of feel like getting 3 hours of sleep on Thursday night, working all day Friday, and then leaving immediately after you get off at 5:30 to make the 6-hour drive to St. Louis is an incredibly bad choice.

46 days and counting

Mood: OMG!

Happy thought: Job interviews

Over spring break I had a phone interview for a position I applied for with Alpha Phi Omega, the community service group I'm involved with on campus. It's a nationwide organization headquartered in Independence, Missouri with chapters all over the US (and even some in the Philippines - exciting, right?).

Anyway, I've been anxiously waiting for news from that job and have been glued to my phone and computer since the phone interview.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I only have one class and, naturally, I got the phone call right when my class got started. The gal left a voicemail and I had no idea what to do.

Was I about to sit there for the rest of class, wondering what that message said? I had already waited like two weeks, what was another hour? Then again, I HAD already waited two weeks, so should I put myself through more torture?

But what if the message said they were going to go a different direction? Could I handle that news and be able to compose myself for the rest of class? And what if I got the job? Could I handle THAT news and be able to compose myself for the rest of class? I feel like I would have cried either way.

I decided that two weeks of waiting was more than enough, so I snuck off for a couple of minutes to check my voicemail. The gal sounded chipper right off the bat, so that was encouraging.

I wasn't offered the job. But I didn't NOT get the job, either. Instead, I was offered an in-person, face-to-face interview with the national office staff in Independence, Missouri for a couple of weeks from now.

So, yes, more waiting. BUT - an out-of-town, face-to-face interview? C'mon. That's pretty awesome.

48 days and counting

Mood: happy :)

Happy thought: my roomie

Today was a big day in the household. My roommate, Camie, officially decided to attend Iowa State University in the fall for grad school. She's doing a two-year master's program in English. I'm super excited for her that 1) she's done with the GRE 2) she got in 3) she finally decided what she wanted to do.

So she's moving to Ames sometime soon. I'm considering going with her. If I get the job I'm up for, I'll be able to live anywhere I like, so it makes sense just to stay with her, and if I don't end up with a job, it still makes sense to stay with her. So, either way, it seems I'll be going too.

We're excited. Mostly because we're both itching to get the heck out of this apartment.

50 days and counting

Mood: OMG! HALFWAY!
Happy thought: dancing!

Each spring, my fraternity (Alpha Phi Omega) hosts a formal. So, basically, an APO prom. More or less, anyway. We get dressed up and dance like the crazy white people we are, but we have considerably less drama than most proms I've heard of (... usually, anyway).

Tonight was my last formal since I'll be graduating, so that was kind of sad. I ended up bringing two friends from the Iowa State chapter of APO, Curtis and Derek, as my dates and whenever they're around everybody has fun, so it was pretty awesome. And they're great dancers. So that's even better.

Everything was going really well until a friend of mine, Bananas (no, that's not her born name), fell and dislocated her KNEE CAP! It was so weird. She was dancing one minute and the next she was on the floor with a distorted knee.

Two years ago, I was an RA in the first-year residence halls and had some pretty extensive training with handling a variety of situations. They must have really trained me well because I instantly went into RA-mode and called security. The officers came, determined she needed an ambulance, and off she went with a couple of friends to the ER.

Within an hour she was back in her apartment with a huge knee brace and some pain meds.

Never a dull moment, friends. Never a dull moment.

51 days and counting

Mood: exhausted
Happy thought: walking for a cause

Each year, Drake hosts Relay For Life , an all-night walk/fundraiser for cancer research. I've attended every year but I've never made it all the way through the night. I usually wimped out around 3am and dragged myself home.

But this year I finally did it. I walked almost the entire time and now I kind of want to die, but I'm really proud of myself anyway. Relay is a great thing to be a part of and a really wonderful cause.

Generally, it's a fun event. You know, it's as fun as cancer fundraisers can be. There is always a really heavy portion of the night when survivors or caretakers get up and tell their sad stories. There's never a dry eye in the room after that.

One gal talked about losing her brother to cancer and I just couldn't handle hearing that at all and ended up crying like an idiot for about an hour, but it's ok. I'm not ashamed.

Aside from that, there was some light-hearted entertainment like African acrobats, the Drake improv comedy team, a couple bands and the Treble Makers (Drake women's a capella group).

Was it smart of me to stay all night? Well, considering I'm not at all recovered from the hideous cold I picked up in Vegas, pulled an unnecessary all-nighter two nights ago, and have APO formal this weekend... no, probably not smart.

But you know what? We only live once. I can sleep when I'm dead. Which I realize might be sooner than I expect if I don't take good care of myself. But at the end of the day I think it was worth it, so I suppose that's what matters.

52 days and counting

Mood: happy
Happy thought: Chocolate chip pancakes

You know, I feel tremendously guilty for getting excited when a professor is too sick to have class. I mean, that's terrible. I don't want my professors to be sick (well, most of them, anyway). But sometimes I sure do need a catch-up day.

53 days and counting

Mood: frustrated
Happy thought: goldfish

I went to Vegas and came home horribly sick. I'm about 73% convinced I have a legitimate allergy to cigarette smoke, which caused some horrible cough and congestion situation. That's slowly resolving itself, but the infection is now moving into my ears.

I used to get ear infections all the time, but never quite this badly. If I had to put a percentage on it, I'd say my hearing is at about 20%. My right ear is considerably worse than my left one, but between the two I'm practically deaf.

I can't hear myself type; I can't hear other students talking in class; I can't hear the person on the other end of my phone when someone calls; I can't even hear my signal ticking in my car. It's ridiculous.

And I want it to stop.

54 days and counting

Mood: anxious
Happy thought: gainful employment

Alrighty, so if you read regularly you know that I had a job interview last week while I was in Vegas for a position with Alpha Phi Omega - a national community service fraternity I'm involved with on campus.

Today I received an email saying that the decision is being pushed back another week so I should hear back after next Tuesday.

On one hand, I'm thrilled. Because if they didn't want me, they wouldn't keep me on the edge like this. They'd just push me over, right? Surely I'd know if I was no longer be considered. So that's the good news.

The bad news, of course, is that I have another week to wait. And it's killing me just a little bit. I've sent a couple dozen job applications out into the virtual void and haven't really cared too much about most of them, but THIS is the one I can't get out of my head.

My fingers are tired from being crossed all the time... but if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.

55 days and counting

Mood: tired
Happy thought: lights at the end of tunnels

Today was the first day back to school from break. I only have one class on Mondays and it's a capstone class so it's only seniors, so the professor definitely pointed out our shortage of weeks left. She might have gotten a bit emotional about it since she's known most of us as writers and students (including me) since we were freshman.

That moment made things incredibly real. Like... I've always been aware of graduation, obviously. But being on the other side of break is insane. It's all going to go so quickly. The last three and a half years have been the "click-click-click" up the roller coaster and now we're plummeting.

But, much like a roller coaster, it's terrifying and fun and, in the end you walk away totally fine even if you convinced yourself you were going to die.

So I'm looking up :)

56 days and counting

Mood: not ready for school
Happy thought: coming home to a clean apartment

In retrospect, it was probably a poor choice to spend my WHOLE break go-go-going without any downtime whatsoever, because now I get to start school again tomorrow six as a dog and completely exhausted.

Whatever. We only live once, right?

57 days and counting

Mood: ready to go home
Happy thought: going home

I don't really know what happened today. It's allllll running together. Something about my roommate's birthday and going back to her house in MN and meeting a large amount of family members...

Something like that...

58 days and counting

Mood - groggy beyond all reason
Happy thought - origami

Last night in Vegas. Suuuuuper tired. My roommate turned 21 at midnight, but two of the three of us are pretty sick, so we didn't do much of anything.

We went out in the hotel after midnight to go to a bar to get her a drink, but most of them were ridiculously expensive. So, after about an hour of walking, we decided to have a cosmo sent up to our room.

Yeah, there was kind of a lot of vodka in that. My roommate had like two sips, I drank maybe 1/3 and her fiance downed the rest. Between being totally exhausted from our trip and the fact that none of us drink and therefore have no tolerance whatsoever, the alcohol pretty much made us pass out immediately.

We didn't even gamble. Although, we hit the arcades all day that day. We probably dropped $50 between the three of us. We just went from hotel to hotel playing in arcades. It was sweet. And, let me tell you, my roommate cleaned up. She hit a couple of jackpots and won several hundred tickets.

The downside, of course, to arcades (as opposed to casinos) is that you win STUFF, not necessarily money. Then you have to carry the stuff around with you all day. And, naturally, all the stuff is super stupid and cheap and you probably could have gone somewhere to buy all of it and spend half as much money as you spent playing the games in the first place.

But we had fun, so that's what's important.

59 days and counting

Mood - tired
Happy thought - home. crappy apartment and all

I will never again take for granted the ban on public smoking in Iowa and Colorado. Vegas needs to get on board pronto. Not that I don't love second-hand smoking eight packs a day.

60 days and counting

Happy thought - waterfalls
Mood - optimistic

This morning I had my phone interview for a job I'm up for. Generally, I find I interview pretty well. I'm able to have conversations with people and present myself in a good like, I think. I'm pretty social, so I can usually carry on a conversation with pretty much anybody.

Phone interviews are a bit harder just because you can't read body language, it's easy to end up talking over one another and harder to hear sometimes.

So.. there's definitely potential to be a bit awkward.

But I think it went well anyway. I did, in fact, talk over the gal a couple of times, but not too bad, I don't think. The official decision is going to be made next week, and I'm beyond excited.

The job is with Alpha Phi Omega, the national community service fraternity I'm involved with on campus. I would be a field representative and travel all over the country visiting chapters helping with leadership training and rechartering dead chapters and that sort of thing.

The more I think about it, the more excited I get. So I think maybe the trick is to put it out of my mind for a while. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself crazy. Good thing I'm in Vegas with lots of distractions.

61 days and counting

It's been a thoroughly exhausting day. This morning, the three of us went to Mandalay Bay to see the shark reef and aquarium which was very, very cool. There were all sorts of cool aquarium-y things there like jellies, rays, SEA TURTLES (OMG!), and some of the most amazing tropical fish in the world.

Then we went to the MGM Grand to have lunch at The Rainforest Cafe. The Rainforest Cafe in Colorado closed some time ago, so I was really excited to go back. I've been talking about it pretty obsessively for a few weeks now. I'm sure my roommate loved that.

If you've never been to a Rainforest Cafe, I'll be sure to post pictures after I get back to DSM so you can see it. Needless to say, I would very much like my house decorated this way.

Then we went to the Bellagio to check out the conservatory. There's this gorgeous indoor garden that's constantly changing based on the season or big holidays and that sort of thing. I've seen it several times and it has always been different, but I've never seen it look more beautiful than it did today. Again, pictures to come. But it was SO spring-like and happy. There were bright colors and massive butterflies hanging off the ceiling and it was just glorious to look at after the bleak grey of winter.

We also milled around The Paris hotel and scoped out the Eiffel Tower. We'll probably go up to the top while we're here. We also cut through Bally's, Harrah's, and The Excalibur. Admittedly, these places MAKE you cut through them. A bunch of them are connected for one thing and you'll have to walk through more than one to get to the street. Or, as is more commonly the case with us on this particular trip, we're riding the monorail to get around and the stations are hidden deep in the back, making us go through all the shops and casinos first.

Don't think that was an accident.

Tonight we went to see the AMAZING Blue Man Group. I've seen them once before and totally loved every minute of it and I felt the same way after seeing them again, despite the fact that their show didn't seem to have changed very much. It's beautiful to look at, amazing to hear, and the energy that radiates from the performance and the audience is incredible. Go see them sometime.

We turned in a bit early because my PHONE INTERVIEW (omg!) is tomorrow morning at 10am Iowa/Missouri time, which is a whopping 8am Veagas time.

In other news - graduation is exactly two months from TODAY!

62 days and couting

Mood: Tired
Happy thought: BALCONIES!

It seems like whenever I travel anywhere it takes all day. I could go from DSM to Denver, a flight that doesn't even take 1.5 hours, and still spend all day traveling. I don't get it.

Today we left my roommate's house in MN at 9:45 to make the 1.5 hour drive to the airport. We stopped for a bite to eat at Cracker Barrel along the way and made it to the airport at 1. Our plane was delayed 10 minutes, so we took off around 3:10 and flew to MILWAUKEE...

For anybody who isn't so sharp with the geography, I'd like to point out that Milwaukee is very much the opposite direction of Vegas. So... that's stupid.

Anyway, it was a tiny flight to Milwaukee and we landed to find out that our connecting flight had been delayed two hours, and was now departing at 6:10. And, I didn't realize this before, but the Milwaukee to Vegas flight is almost 4 hours. Luckily, due to the delay, Frontier let us watch our little personal TVs for free.

So we landed in Vegas at 8:30ish, I think. But that's local Vegas time, so that's really 10:30 Minnesota time. Grand total of 12 hours.

I smell.

But, in other news, the condo we're staying out is INCREDIBLE. It has a gorgeous night view of The Strip off the 39th floor. It'll be amazing if I ever eave the balcony.

63 days and counting

The summer before I left for college my mom got be all involved in re-runs of Little House on the Prairie on the Hallmark Channel.

It's a pretty cheesy show and definitely merits the Halmark name since I can't get through an episode without crying. I'm not complaining, of course. I kind of love that show. It's definitely one of those guilty pleasure sorts of things.

Anyway, I became pretty involved in the show (so if you ever want to talk about anything Laura Ingalls sometime, I'm your girl).

The family lives in a town called Walnut Grove, but from time to time they have to go to Mankato for supplies and stuff and guess what I did today!?

I WENT TO MANKATO! Haha. I was just so tickled that it actually existed. Sadly, there were no horse-drawn buggies and I didn't see Charles Ingalls anywhere.

64 days and counting

Mood: Tiiiiired
Happy thought: Butterfly gardens!

Today we went to the Mall of America, which, as it turns out, is MASSIVE. Go figure.

We walked the entire thing (and I am therefore totally pooped). I didn't buy much - just some awesome turtle socks I found. But, we did get our picture taken with Patrick and Spongebob AND went to the butterfly garden (which was also in the mall) where a butterfly landed on my face.

Most. Amazing. Thing. Ever.

65 days and counting

Mood: Antsy
Happy thought: Glorious weather

Today starts our spring break extravaganza! Tonight my roommate and I are leaving for Minnesota to spend the weekend at her house and hit up the Mall of America, and then on Monday we're off to Vegas!!

I'm super excited just to have some time off from school. This won't be a relaxing break... in fact, I fully expect it to be the opposite and be quite exhausting... but it's ok. Because we all have to have a little fun sometimes.

My roommate has also never been on a plane before and I'm excited to be the one who gets to take her on her first. Actually, she'll have two planes because we have to make a connection on our way to Las Vegas.

I've traveled and flown quite a lot so it's always interesting to me to meet people who have gone their whole lives without flying anywhere.

Should be fun!

66 days and counting

Mood: EXCITED!
Happy thought: Putt-putt golf

I have some really exciting news! I've been offered a JOB INTERVIEW! Last week I applied for a job at the APO national office in Independence, Mo. They're looking for a field representative to travel all around the country helping chapters with leadership development and that sort of thing.

Totally sounded amazing to me!

So I did the application and now I've been offered an interview for Wednesday! I can't wait. I usually do well during interviews, so I'm really excited :)

Keep you fingers crossed for me!

67 days and counting

Mood: happy
Happy thought: colorful thumbtacks

I've been doing all sorts of stress management things lately. What can I say? Stress is kind of everywhere. For the most part I feel about 1,000 times more at ease. I'm calm and collected and even when I feel my brain slipping into freak out mode, I can usually steer myself back into a stable state of mind.

Today I was talking to someone about my stress and I was talking about not knowing what to expect post-Drake and things like that. He told me that just because I'm graduating doesn't mean I have to cut all of my ties to everybody and everything I have now.

In fact, there are loads of alumni who still come around... all the time. It's like they never left.

I know a couple of people like that and, to be honest, I don't want to be like them. Some contact is good, I think... too much is just creepy and leaves me wondering when these guys are going to just move on with things.

Still, it was really very comforting to hear that things don't have to change THAT much. I can still keep Drake and my friends in my life. I can still have everything I want in my life. My slate doesn't have to be wiped totally clean. I'm totally in control of all of that.

Deep down I knew it all along, but it was good to hear it out loud.

68 days and counting

Mood: happy :)
Happy thought: rain drops on my window

Today I was in class, discussing a sci-fi novel we're reading. I was paying attention the best I could, fighting afternoon drowsiness, trying not to be distracted by the dense fog out the window that made campus disappear little by little, struggling to focus on anything but the virus in my stomach...

That's when the professor mentioned Star Trek. I snapped out of my stupor immediately. He didn't just mention Star Trek, he happened to casually mention how awful he found the new movie to be.

That's right - AWFUL!

He went on about how Spock was all emo and could feel stuff and how it was totally unbelievable (THAT'S the unbelievable part of Star Trek?... ok). He couldn't get in much of an argument because several of us (me included) were quick to defend JJ Abram's intergalactic amazingness.

It was all I could do to stop myself from getting up and walking out of class.

Then we circled back to the topic somehow and he was about to make a crack at Data, from The Next Generation, but I stopped him before he was able to say something he'd regret.

... Don't think I won't remember this on evaluation day...

69 days and counting

Mood: eh
Happy thought: finding a song you totally forgot you had on iTunes

Spring Break is approaching quickly (YAY!!!!) and I'll be going to Minnesota and Vegas with my roommates. Well, one is my roommate the other is her fiance. I call him my roommate-in-law.

Anyway, I'm excited. It's her 21st birthday that week so it should be a lot of fun.

But I can't help be a bit bummed out that I'm not going home. I haven't seen my family since January and knowing I won't see them until May just sucks. I've been a bit homesick lately.

I have a giant mural of mountains on my wall and sometimes I'll just sit and stare at it for a couple of hours. Like if I just stared hard enough I could wake up the next morning in Colorado.

The homesickness is probably a result of a variety of things - the long winter with no sunshine, the stress of school, the fact that my parents are prepping the house I lived in for 12 years to sell, and obviously missing my family quite a lot.

They're excited I'm going to Vegas, too. I don't really do things like that and they want me to "cut loose" and have some fun before I have to be a real adult. But, still... I can't help but wish I could have gone home, too.

70 days and counting

Mood: Giggly
Happy thought: Clean laundry

Wow, I've noticed a lot of class-choosing Facebook statuses the past week. Guess the new classes have been posted...

Shame I don't have to worry about that ;)

71 days and counting

Through my involvement with Alpha Phi Omega, the campus service fraternity, I sometimes help out with events for Boy Scouts. This weekend I'm volunteering at Merit Badge University where boy scouts come from all over the state (in this case to University of Iowa in Iowa City) and complete a variety of badges.

Drake hosted one a couple of years ago, but it wasn't nearly as big as this one. Here we have more than 1,500 scouts and 100 APO volunteers. It's insane.

Anyway, I was assigned to teach the Chemistry badge with a girl from the University of Iowa. Now, I'm a journalism and English major. So... the last time I had anything to do with Chemistry was probably six or so years ago.

Naturally, I simply assumed the U of I gal I was with had a science background and I could just be her little helper for the day.

Not so.

As it turns out, she's an English major, too. So there we were, two English majors, attempting to muddle through middle school-level chemistry, being shown up left and right by some high school boys who were actually IN chemistry.

Sadly, I had actually helped with the Chemistry badge at Drake two years ago. But my friend Ryan, a pharmacy student who had been around the chemistry block a time or two, did the teaching part. I got to be the clean-up helper/Vanna White assistant. And I am by no means complaining. Because while he explained the transfer of electrons in a chemical reaction, I wiped down desks.

Unfortunately, I had to actually teach stuff this time and had little to no idea what I was talking about. I tried and tried and tried to remember anything of what Ryan said, but couldn't. Heck, I tried to remember anything of what ANYBODY had ever once told me about chemistry.

I gave up. After we fumbled our way through the badge requirements and several failed experiments, we watched Bill Nye The Science Guy instead.

72 days and counting

Mood: giddy
Happy thought: SUNSHINE!!!

I like to dance. A lot. Like a crazy person. Usually in my kitchen, barefoot, with my iPod in my ears.

My roommate works nights now and after spending an hour or so of veg time on the sofa, I spend the next couple busting a move to some pretty bad music.

Well, to be fair, I don't think it's bad music, but I'm sure I'd be made fun of for it. Not that I care, of course.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that intense physical exertion such as dancing is key to reducing stress and is 100% doctor-recommended.

So HA!

73 days and counting

Mood: annoyed.
Happy thought: finding money in old coats

A friend of mine asked me to go to a concert with her in Chicago on May 25th. The Glee cast is going on a baby tour and the closest they get to DSM is Chicago.

I couldn't commit to going. I think it annoyed her, and I felt badly about it.

It's not that I don't want to go, but my life is totally wide open after May 17th. It's one giant question mark. And, yeah, that kinda sucks, but I can't exactly help that right now.

I just don't think many people understand that I have literally NO idea what's happening after graduation.

74 days and counting

Mood: accomplished
Happy thought: Sudoku puzzles!!!

HAHA! Super challenging sudoku puzzle completed. Time: 2 hours, 21 minutes. Suck it, Will Shortz!

75 days and counting

Mood: Relieved that my internet connection seems stable enough to catch up on my blog...

So, along with my blog every day I think I'm going to start posting happy thoughts. I've been posting a "happy thought of the day" every day (sometimes more than once) via Facebook statuses for a while and people have been responding really positively to those. They will literally come up to me on campus and tell me that my happy thought from whatever day really made them smile. So that's cool.

Without further ado, today's happy thought: Adorable pictures of animals on the internet. I could waste hours online looking at those pictures.

Anyway, now let's get down to today's story.

A few years ago I was grocery shopping with my parents. We were in the produce section and they both became frighteningly excited over a particularly perfect white onion they found. They were positively delighted to have found such an exemplary vegetable. Then they found out that toilet bowl cleaner was on sale that week. Whoa, buddy.

I remember wondering to myself if that's what being an adult boiled down to - amazing finds in a bin of onions and 50 cents off toilet duck.

This memory came to mind as I was looking in my refrigerator today. For the past couple of days, my roommate and I have noticed a particularly heinous smell coming barreling out every time we open the door. It was near vomit-inducing as I actually gagged a couple of times.

I looked and looked and looked for the source, but couldn't find it at all. I took everything out of the fridge and sniffed each thing individually, but didn't find anything the least bit rank.

Today I decided that perhaps the refrigerator just needed a good washing down. Perhaps some yogurt spilled on the bottom and we couldn't see it anymore but it was going sour. Something like that.

So I emptied the fridge again (and smelled everything a second time - just to be sure) and washed the shelves and the sides and the bottom. Then my eyes fell on the vegetable drawer.

My roommate and I don't use the vegetable drawer. Partly because I don't remember the last time we had a vegetable in the place and partly because it blends really well with the rest of the fridge so most of the time we just don't notice it.

Well, I noticed it today.

I opened it, knowing without a doubt the hair-curling stink would be in there. To my surprise there were no forgotten vegetables in there at all. Rather 1/4 inch of water. Sludgy, grey water full of unimaginable, miscellaneous flakes of fridge funk.

I wanted to die when I pulled it out. My roommate was sitting at the kitchen table (eating, of all things... how she could eat with something so revolting in the room, I have no idea) just watching me do this, too, which I was really appreciative of.

I quickly poured the questionable gunk down the sink and washed and dried the drawer. I then reassembled the refrigerator (and freezer) and put everything back inside. My roommate, meanwhile, still didn't offer any help. Maybe I should get my own refrigerator and let her refrigerator rot in its own stink.

Anyway, the point is that finding and eliminating that smell was seriously the best part of my week. I am so thrilled to be rid of it. I would literally not eat sometimes because I knew I'd have to open the door. But that problem is gone now and I'm freakishly excited about it.

And thus I have concluded, I am an adult. In retrospect, I would most certainly have preferred the prize onion, but locating and eradicating sources of malodorous-ness seems to be a crucial adult skill, so maybe I'll just chalk this up to a learning experience .

76 days and couting

I have been able to go for a walk two days in a row now. TWO DAYS IN A ROW! Could it be? Could spring be sneaking in? I refuse to believe it. We're going to do that horrible yo-yo thing for a while where it'll be gorgeous and then crappy and then gorgeous again. But better than crappy 100% of the time so I'll take it!

77 days and counting

Considering I have a blog, I don't tend to spend a lot of time reading other blogs. I feel that that's probably a little... hypocritical or unsportsmanlike or something. I guess I just have short attention span for that sort of thing.

Anyway, I do find myself from time to time perusing the bloggosphere and there's one particular type of blog that just irritates me to no end.

THE NEWLYWED BLOG

Everyday I see more and more of my Facebook friends getting engaged, then married, then launching a blog. Like it's just the natural thing to do or something.

I shouldn't make a blanket statement and say they're all intolerable, but it's pretty close.

One gal I'm friends with wrote this massive entry and literally said (and I'm going to find the post right now so I can get it exactly right) "I pity all girls who don't have a man in their lives this Valentine's Day. It must be horrible to not have someone special to bring you breakfast in bed and do the dishes like Ryan did. We have such exciting and romantic plans for later; I'll pray for all the single gals out there who are lonely. Maybe one day, ladies!"

I don't even know where to start with that one. I really, really, REALLY don't.

And I'm just so sick of their petty newlywed arguments.

"John thinks we should paint the kitchen beige, but I really want to paint it tan! Neither of us will compromise! Newlywed life is SO hard!"

Yeah, that must be rough. Devastating earthquakes. Economic recession. Those definitely pale in comparison.

I don't want to suggest that newlywed life doesn't present challenges; I'm certain that it does. That being said, all I know is that most of what I'm reading about on these blogs is absolutely stupid. It's vacuous and mindbogglingly ridiculous.

Another gal I know blogged about how much her wedding cost and seemed freakishly proud to have spent so much money on these incredibly frivolous things.

It's frustrating.

78 days and counting

Mood: giddy!

Ok, ok, ok. Here we go!! Whee!!!

I just got back from the APO Sectional Conference at Simpson College in Indianola, Iowa. It was AWESOME. I love, LOVE, LOVE APO conferences.

We get to meet brothers from other chapters and learn stuff and it's just SO much fun.

I got to run two sessions and facilitate a discussion, which was really exciting. As it turns out, I really enjoy doing things like that and I wasn't terribly uncomfortable or anything. So that was totally awesome.

For each presentation I had a presentation buddy from the Iowa State chapter and it was really fun to collaborate with them. They're an awesome group of people and any opportunity to spend time with them should be taken advantage of.

Conferences are just amazing because they make me remember all my good APO feelings - minus drama and stupid stuff and stressful parts. This was my last conference, so it just felt good to have this kind of last hurrah sort of thing.

And now, friends, I collapse from a deliriously delightful combination of exhaustion and pure happiness.

:)

79 days and counting

Mood: bored

Gee, today sure looks beautiful... she sighed as she gazed out her cubicle and through the window. Only six more hours of work...

80 days and counting

I have this boss at one of my internships, his name is Brian, and I realized today that one of my favorite things to do is simply to follow that guy around.

Ok, it's not as creepy as it sounds. It's not like I'm right behind him when he goes to the office supply storage room or down the hall to fill his water bottle. But I follow him to all sorts of places.

Over the summer, I told him I had never been inside the Capitol building so we literally got up and went to see it. It's across the street, so it's not like we did a huge field trip or anything. Apparently you can just walk in and meander around.

Guess what?

IT'S AWESOME! Easily the coolest Capitol building I've ever seen. I think I'll take my parents there next time they come. It's just really cool. And Brian knows a lot of interesting historical facts, which might sound boring, but they can be weird and obscure and I like that.

Today at work my other boss, Al, left for his lunchtime walk, but he wasn't bundled up to go outside. So I asked Brian where he goes and he told me he walks the tunnel system.

The what now?

I didn't believe him at all. That sounds just like something stupid they tell gullible people. So I was pretty skeptical... until he TOOK ME THERE.

We went down all these staircases I never knew existed and then we were IN the tunnel system. Apparently all the buildings in the Capitol complex are connected by these underground tunnels. I felt like I was in the flippin' Chamber of Secrets or something. It was awesome. And a bit shady. But mostly awesome.

So we walked and walked and got a little turned around a couple of times and ended up at the Capitol and decided to just "pop in" to see what the legislature was "up to." Haha. So we went to watch government in action.

Unfortunately, government was at lunch just then. But the field trip was awesome and it beat staring at a computer screen for an hour.

81 days and counting

Mood: processing some thoughts...

A few weeks ago I got a facebook message from a friend of mine, asking a bunch of us to come see her speak at one of the Christian groups on campus and tell her story. I've been close friends with this girl since sophomore year of high school and I knew this was a big deal for her because, as popular and loud-mouthy she is, she clams up when she has to speak in front of people. She doesn't like to raise her hand in class or do presentations or any of that.

So this was kind of huge for her and I knew I had to be there.

Most of our little clique from freshman year turned out to see her. None of us had been involved in campus Christian groups (which, I'm sure, is some sort of statistical anomaly in a group of eight or so people), so we were all fairly out of our element, but we were there anyway.

My friend talked about some really terrible things* she had been through, only some of which I knew about after eight years of friendship. The new things she told me (and the thirty other people in the room) scared me, took me off guard, broke my heart and made me cry (and pretty freely, might I add... and in a room full of strangers, no doubt).

But aside from all that I was unspeakably proud of her. I was proud that she was able to get in front of all those people at all, let alone let them in to some of the darkest corners of her life. I admire her so much for that.

It was also heartwarming to see the group from freshman year back together again, not just for social time, but to support a friend who needed us. We all went such different directions and we don't see too much of one another, but our love for this one friend put us back together in a setting extremely foreign to us. But that was a sacrifice we all made. It showed me what people are willing to do for the people they love.

There were lots of hugs that night... probably more than I've ever had in my entire college experience combined (actually, I'm not sure that's an exaggeration... sounds about right to me).

*I'm not doing this to torture you with curiosity. It's her personal experience and she gets to share it with whomever she likes. It's not my history to tell.

Shout-out

I'm going to take a tiny little time-out from my 100-day countdown to give a shout-out to the person from Cuba City, Wisconsin who reads (or at least visits) the blog almost every day. I have no idea who you are except for the fact that you have awesome taste in blogs. So thanks!

By the way - sorry if I creeped you out. I have a hit counter that allows me to see where my readers are visiting from geographically.

82 days and counting

I'm reading The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith in one of my eighty English classes this semester and the first line is as follows:

"He has the ability to imagine himself a minor incident in the lives of others."

We began to talk in class about the idea of being "a minor incident," and I became kind of fixated on the idea. Minor incidents.

We've all been minor incidents in someone's life. The stranger you hold the door for - minor incident. The friend-of-a-friend you talked to at a party once (but then, of course, friended them on Facebook) - minor incident. The intimidating person who grilled you at your job interview - minor incident.

Stuff like that works both ways, too. I'm a minor incident to the stranger and the stranger is a minior incident to me. It cool and kind of weird at the same time.

It also made me think about minor incidents beyond just random people I've encountered. Like, what about the actual incidents? It makes me wonder what exactly matters after all of this is said and done.

In high school there was always something to panic about, you know? I can't memorize this marching band music. I have a calculus test on Friday and I don't know anything about calculus. I left my vocab book at home. Nobody is turning in their stuff for the yearbook. (Yes, marching band AND yearbook - that's how cool I was). The list goes on.

The point is, all of the stuff I was entirely consumed with in high school didn't matter hardly at all in the end. I memorized most of the music (and flubbed my way through the parts I didn't). I probably got a D on that calc test and lived to tell the tale. I'm sure I looked off a friend's vocab book. People did, in fact, eventually turn in their stuff for the yearbook.

But even stuff I wasn't necessarily stressed about turned out to be minor incidents, too. Winning the locker decoration contest. Wondering if Homecomming is really rigged so the seniors always win. Book club meetings over the summer when we all got together to watch movies, eat our weight in salty snacks and gossip. Using thousands of bottles of sunscreen at band camp.

The problem with minor incidents, of course, is that you usually don't know at the time that it's a minor incident. If only we knew that. Then we'd be able to have maybe a different perspective on things.

Although, I suppose it could be argued that life is filled with nothing but minor incidents, you know? Except, of course, for the things that are major incidents like graudations and births and weddings and stuff that's kind of a big deal.

At first I thought it was kind of horrible to think about it that way. For example, anybody who has ever read this blog in the last 3.5 years (so... all three of you) knows that I am heavily involved in APO - the community service fraternity on campus. I spend almost every weekend doing service, I've held a variety of leadership positions, most of my closest friends are from APO... It's been a huge part of my life.

But lately I've been wondering what it amounts to on the outside. I have put all of myself into this thing for a really, really long time, but after I'm gone and graduated, what happens to all that?

Does that make sense?

I'm sure my committments will be otherwise distributed to work or finding work or a whole new organization (likely the Jaycees, should I stick around), but I can't help but fear that all the hard work I've done is a minor incident, too. It'll be a minor incident in chapter history and a minor incident in my life.

In some respects, I don't believe that. Sure, I will definitely be a minor incident in chapter history. No doubt. But in my life? I don't know. Certainly for a while post-graduation it'll still be a big deal, but it'll fade with time, I'm sure. Just like high school did. But maybe only the little things will fade like particular service events I took part in and having the leadership roles and ALL THE DRAMA that went with it (please let that be the first to fade). Maybe other things will stick with me, though. Like the ability to speak easily in front of a group of people. The confidence I gained. My sense of duty and responsibility to my community.

Hopefully those are the things that will stay with me.

I do believe life is made up almost entirely of minor incidents. But I don't think that should stop us from doing or going or caring. "This won't matter ten years from now," isn't a good enough reason not to do something, I don't think. Maybe all these minor incidents are just how we pratice being passionate about something.

And why do we all have to be so focused on the future, anyway? Can't we just have the here and now? Can't we do something because it makes us happy TODAY? Living only for the future seems foolish... and endless, really, if you think about it.