On my graduation...

Mood: accomplished
Happy thought: the end

Today I graduated. Today. I. Graduated. The words look weird on the page. They sound weird to say out loud.

It's just not real yet. I mean, I was there and everything. I walked across the stage, shook some hands, got a diploma cover (with a borderline-menacing letter inside telling me that even though I was able to participate in the ceremony, that doesn't necessarily mean I graduated), had my picture taken, hugged people like I'd never see them again...

So it definitely happened. It just doesn't feel like it did. I mean, how does something you've spent 18 years doing just... end? And what do you do with yourself after it does?

I don't know the answer, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

At graduation someone gave a speech full of extended metaphors and encouraging words about having faith and conviction and the other pretty typical graduation stuff. Not that it wasn't a good speech, of course.

Of the ten minutes or so he was speaking, he briefly told us to "stay brave." The phrasing struck me.

STAY brave. Not BE brave.

I admittedly tuned out the rest of his speech and began to ponder the difference and, more importantly, how it applied to the current situation.

It didn't take me long to realize that I much prefer the idea of staying brave, because it means we already have the bravery. I never thought of it before, but we DO already have bravery.

Leaving home was brave, presenting in front of class is brave, standing up for things we believe in is brave, speaking up is brave, stepping back is brave, taking responsibility of our own lives is brave, living independently is brave, being true to ourselves is brave...

The list of things that require bravery goes on and on. And that's really cool. You know why? Because every single one of us has done at least one of those things in our twenty-something years.

Bravery is not a trait we need to worry ourselves about acquiring post-graduation. We've always had it. It is not something we have to GET, rather it is something we have to USE.

Sometimes, I know (believe me) it's hard to remember that it's even there at all. So remind yourself. Remind yourself A LOT if that's what it takes, because I have a feeling it's going to be your most powerful tool.

You don't have to sacrifice fear or doubt for the sake of bravery, because the world is scary and unknown - that's a scientific fact. I think to pretend it isn't would be a lie.

So I think what me must do is stand up proudly (preferably on something tall - perhaps a mountain or picnic table... or a picnic table ON a mountain) and say "World, you're a scary place and I'm terrified of you, but I have some pretty awesome plans and I won't let you interfere with them."

1 day... and no longer counting

Mood: anxious
Happy thought: Graduation

The last link of my paper chain is up on my wall all by its lonesome. Not too long ago (99 days, in fact) it was part of a massive string that hung like garland over our kitchen.

Now one is all that remains.

In the last 99 days I cried myself to sleep, grew up, went to therapy, convinced myself I had no future, got a job, realized and tested my own independence, played too much tetris, struggled constantly to find motivation, drank entirely too much Coke, let go of some things and clung tightly to others.

I've been busy.

My family arrived tonight and seeing them was all I needed to be pretty much flooded with emotion. Encouraging words like "we're so proud!" and "you made it!" didn't help that situation, but were wonderful to hear regardless.

We went to campus to take pictures and show off home to all the relatives who haven't seen Drake before. It was beautiful weather and there was hardly a soul around and suddenly I felt like I was in one of those super cheesy movies during some sappy flashback montage.

But who doesn't like sappy montages?

We passed by Meredith Hall, home of journalism majors, the reflecting pond, the painted street and Carpenter Hall (home, sweet home). It was a unexpected but glorious trip down memory lane.

And, now, I walk.

2 days and counting

Mood: relieved
Happy thought: done, done, done!!!

This morning was it! I drove to campus, printed my BEAST of a capstone project, then went and slid it under the professor's door (it barely fit - something like 120 pages total).

Then I walked away.

A huge weight was instantly lifted (no, really - that thing was heavy...)

I was SUPER excited at first. I mean, wow. To be totally done? Probably forever? AMAZING!!!!

But then I found myself throughout the day having to remind myself that it's really over now. I would just be talking and realize with a start that, HOLY CRAP, I'm totally done.

It's totally unreal.

3 days and counting

Mood: anxious
Happy thought: cake!

Today my roommate and I went to the senior wine and cheese reception at President Maxwell's house. Everybody got all fancied up and got to check out his digs and mingle and eat and drink and all that.

Usually I shy away from things like that because the whole atmosphere just seems kind of fake and forced, but my roommate really wanted to go, so I went with her.

I'm really glad I did, too because I really enjoyed myself.

For the record - wine is totally not my thing.

But more to the point I really enjoyed looking around and seeing people I haven't seen since probably freshman year. It was cool to see how we all changed, but didn't change all at the same time. I liked hearing about what everybody has planned next or what they don't have planned next and...

I guess I just enjoyed the experience of connecting with a group of people who know exactly how I"m feeling. Not that I'm never around any seniors, but this was different. It wasn't about classes or homework or anything, it was about excitement and anxiety and exhaustion and it's kind of amazing the kind of camaraderie that can be fostered that way.

4 days and counting

Mood: anxious :/
Happy thought: GRILLED PB&J!

I'm soooo not ready to leave. SO not ready. I am, but I'm so not. What if I can't do it? What if I can't be a real adult? What if I'm really bad at being a grown up? What if I screw everything up? What if I trip at graduation? What if I throw up? What if I can't handle the real world? What if I get scared?

How do you not be a student anymore? How do you meet new people without school? How do you be a real person?

I need ANSWERS!!!

5 days and counting

Mood: Sluggish...
Happy thoughts: Wedding invitations

I was reminded recently that I promised to post a list of Drake's Finest (based solely on my opinion, of course), so before I forget, I'll do that now. I'll break them down by department and list them alphabetically

ENGLISH
Megan Brown: I took three classes with her and they were all fabulous. She's smart, funny, witty, engaging, and fabulous to have in class. She offers helpful criticism, gently, and I always feel like I learned something at the end of the semester. I realize that last part sounds kind of obvious, but, trust me, that's not always the case.

Jeff Karnicky: I took five classes with him (including my very first one and my very last) and they all pretty much hurt my brain. In a good way, of course. He's pretty much brilliant and, honestly, pretty funny (though, sometimes not intentionally). We've dealt with some abstract ideas and oddball writers (Franz Kafka, for instance...) but it's all very enjoyable and if he teaches it, it's a class worth taking. I promise.

JOURNALISM
Lori Blachford: I didn't have a class with her until junior year, sadly. She has loads of experience in the industry; she's hilarious; she's super helpful. You can always just stop by to chat without any good reason. I got an internship at Meredith thanks to her; she's just a good person to have in your corner.

Jeff Inman: I also didn't have him until I was a junior. He's friendly and funny and wry and geeky and smart and awesome to have in class. Be warned: he's not afraid to spill some ink all over your work. But don't worry, you won't be able to read half of it. But the criticism is more helpful than it is harsh, so there's nothing to be afraid of. Oh, he also brought us bagels. So he's clearly a favorite.

OTHER
I basically have only one other to add...

Keith Summerville: I took his entomology class on a whim for credits and it turned out to be THE best class I took at Drake. The thing that struck me about Keith is that he cares about all students, not just ones in his field of study. So he was more than happy to guide a lost journalism senior. He's also brilliant and funny and has really cool stuff in his office.

So there you have it... my official list of the best of the best. If these guys teach it, you'd do well to take it.

6 days and counting

Mood: content, for now
Happy thought: paper cutters

My dad is kind of a nerd, but I love him for it. We like the reality show "The Amazing Race," where teams of two race around the world doing all sorts of crazy stuff. One day we'll be on it; just you wait and see.

In the meantime, though, he wrote me this in an email this morning and I decided to exploit it and count it as my post today.

College is kind of like an Amazing Race. There have definitely been Detours, RoadBlocks, and SpeedBumps along the way, but you have overcome them all. Each semester ending is kind of like a pit stop. Some people get eliminated along the way, but you are on the final leg. The mat is on the stage of the Knapp Center, where Phil Keoghan(in a President Maxwell disguise) is waiting. “4 years, 40 classes, 40 million words read, Meagan Savage, you have won the College Amazing Race!”

Gold star for the metaphor, Pop!

7 days and counting

Mood: Happy :)
Happy thought: My mama :) :) :)

You know you have a problem when your "study break" is actually the ten minutes set aside each hour to get stuff done and the other fifty minutes is spent on YouTube...

I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

8 days and counting

Mood: Happy :) :) :)
Happy thought: Goldfinches!

Today I went to my new place and did laundry FOR FREE in our WASHER AND DRYER. The best part is that the clothes actually DRIED. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Then, I sat out on our deck and watched a goldfinch hop around the yard. I named him Atticus (because, really, what else would you name a finch?)

He is Atticus and he is mine and he will be my Atticus.

9 days and counting

Mood: tiiiiired
Happy thought: Fridays

I've pretty much exhausted myself with being all emotional lately. But I think I need to just shut up and focus because it's not even over yet. I can cry in 9 days. For now it's time to get down to business and make sure I get to cross that stage.

One last push.

I need a six-pack of Coke, ibuprofen, and killer Pandora recommendations STAT. If you could find a little motivation, that'd be good, too.

10 days and counting

Mood: a mess... still? or again? hard to say
Happy thought: REALLY good cupcakes

Well, today was it. It was my absolute last day of class. Probably ever. Or, at the very least, for a really, really, really long time.

I walked out of my very last class and someone said something to the effect of "yay! It's summer!!" and I just wanted to punch that kid in the face.

Sure, classes are over, but that doesn't mean I don't have a crapload of stuff to get done yet. The end of classes is always a bit misleading that way. Classes are done, but now you have God knows how much work to do.

For example, I have a project, a capstone, and a 15-page paper due. So now is not the time to rest.

But the end of classes was still significant. And, oddly, my last class ever at Drake was with the very same professor who taught my first class ever at Drake. We've had five classes together in four years. That has to be some sort of record.

That's a lot of classes. That's like taking one semester with ONLY him. Think about it.

Because I practically followed this guy around for four years, I took it upon myself to give him a hard time about pretty much everything. My favorites, though, had to be pestering him to have class outside and being disgusted by his hatred of the new Star Trek movie.

Alas, he'll no longer have me to fill that role, and I'm sure he's pretty upset about it. We decided, though, I'll have to come back to visit in the fall, sit in on his freshman class and hand-pick my successor.

So I walked out of my last class ever with a professor that has been a staple in my Drake experience and, once again, had to dart to my car before I started crying freely in public.

Ten days and counting... and I'm still a mess.

11 days and counting

Mood: emotional :/
Happy thought: baby birdies

For my English capstone course, we each have to complete some sort of final writing project. It's pretty open-ended. People are writing academic papers (God bless them... because, seriously... I couldn't do it). Some are doing fiction and poetry and just all sorts of stuff.

Mine is this, essentially. I'm doing my 100-day journal/chronicle of the last 100 days of school. I'm doing an online version here on the blog and then a different (though occasionally overlapping) version just for class purposes.

The idea of doing this project apparently shook the whole world for a classmate of mine, who never fails to tell me at least once a week in class how badly I scared him when I announced to the whole class that day in early February that we had only 100 days (calendar days, not even school days) left of our Drake experience. Scared HIM? I'm the one DOING this project. I'm the one TACKLING this beast. Talk about scary.

Anyway...

Today we did our capstone presentations, which was essentially just a reading of our work. We didn't have to read if we didn't want to, but I was feeling up to the challenge.

I was much more nervous than I thought I would be. After 76 years or so of writing all sorts of papers and stories and what have you, I've grown quite used to the idea of people reading, editing, and commenting on my work, then being confronted with the whole class as they discuss what I've written.

The rules of each peer workshop changes from class to class and professor to professor. Last semester I wasn't allowed to talk or respond to the criticism as my work was being reviewed. I had to sit there and take notes and just listen as they talked about me like I wasn't in the room.

"Real authors can't respond to the stuff we say about their work," said the professor.

That's valid. But that didn't make it less terrifying.

The point is, having people read my stuff on their own is very different than reading it TO them. On one hand, it's a good thing. I can rely on things like inflection and body language and facial expression to convey whatever it is I'm saying, and worry less about what's getting lost in translation.

On the other hand, whatever separation there once was between writer and text, between the author and their product, is completely obliterated. I kind of love the idea that I'm not necessarily what I write or, really, who I write. I love the idea that I exist independently of my own words. But, when you read out loud... that barrier vanishes.

Not that I didn't enjoy it. I made a girl laugh so hard she seriously began to cry. And hearing the project out loud helped me identify parts I'd like to go back and change or fix. So the experience was a good one, but odd and terrifying, too.

Then, of course, in class it kind of just hit me that it was our final meeting and that was pretty emotional. The professor was getting all choked up, so I was getting choked up and she said something like "This is me not saying goodbye..." and that pretty much just did me in.

I've been in classes with her since freshman year and I was not at all warming to the idea of the end.

After we did the reading, I hung around as long as I possibly could before walking quickly away and retreating to the fortress of my car (because nobody can see me in there.... riiiight...) so I could open the flood gates.

11 days and counting and I'm going to be a total mess for allllll 11 of them.

12 days and counting

Mood: ... yikes ...
Happy thought: having hard stuff be over and done with

I had to give a panel presentation today, which I had never done before. In one of my classes we each have to write a final paper about the books we've read over the semester. Based on our topics, we were broken into groups so that one group of people were working with one general topic or theme, if that makes sense.

Then we had to give a "panel presentation" to the class, which essentially just required each of us to talk for five minutes about what our individual papers were about.

So... in theory, that doesn't sound all that scary. But, for some reason, when it came time for me to talk, I looked down at my paper and like couldn't read the words. I just opened my mouth and hoped that what came out 1) made sense and 2) seemed smart-sounding.

I don't know if I talked for five minutes... or longer than five minutes... or shorter than five minutes... I have no idea. Overall, I think it was fine, but still... it was a very weird experience. I almost always talk in class, I don't have a problem getting in front of people really, and yet today I was all over the stage fright?

So weird...

13 days and counting

Mood: HAPPY :) :) :)
Happy thought: new apartments!

Roommate and I went to revisit a couple of apartments we saw last week. This time we brought her fiance, since he'll also be living with us.

After a couple of hours we picked a place and we signed a lease and took posession of our new, WONDERFUL, single-story townhouse with a YARD and a DECK.

AND, you know what else it has? A WASHER AND DRYER IN-UNIT!

Bliss.

14 days and counting

Mood: sad and relieved
Happy thought: endings and beginnings

Today was my last meeting for Alpha Phi Omega, the campus service fraternity I've been involved with for four years.

I wasn't as active with the fraternity as I had been in the past, partly because it's my last semester and I have quite a few other thinsg on my plate, and also because I wanted to let the new leadership emerge and not be such a visible presence in the chapter anymore.

That sounds horrible conceited, but... that's the best I could do.

Anyway, I'm partly relieved to be done with it because, as with any group of people anywhere in the world, we had our fair share of drama, which tended to fluctuate between "petty" and "ridiculous." Sometimes it just sucks you in and you wake up one day and think "Why on EARTH does this matter?"

So, in that sense, I'm glad to be out now.

Then again, I put everything into APO during the last four years. I wasn't always terribly hardcore about school, but I was always hardcore about APO. Always.

And now it's time to let it go.

Luckily, the job I landed for post-graduation is with the national office of APO, so it's not exactly good-bye. Quite the opposite actually. So I think it's a good compromise.

15 days and counting

Mood: eeeep!
Happy thought: food!!!

My roommate and I decided a while ago that before we graduate we wanted to eat brunch at Hubbell one last time.

The Hubbell dining hall on campus gets kind of a bad reputation, which I find mostly exaggerated - for the record, but when they do brunch on the weekends, nobody is complaining.

It's just full of all sorts of tasty food like omelets, pizza, yogurt, Belgian waffles, fruit, pancakes, eggs... you name it, it's all there.

Anyawy, since we live off campus now, we no longer have a meal plan and, therefore, no longer eat on campus. We could pay real money to eat at the dining hall, but we choose not to.

But we realized that we could say good-bye to Drake wtihout one last brunch, so we went out, paid real money, and gave Hubbell a proper farewell.

Afterward we went to the bookstore so I could get my graduation tassels.

It just gets a little more real every day...