An Apology

I owe someone an apology. A BIG, BIG, BIG apology. Things are much, much better now because I've made a lot of changes, but I still need to own up to my mistakes. Afterall, you can never really forgive someone until they apologize.

Nothing you ever did was good enough for me, and I'm sorry. Looking back on it now, you did some truly amazing things. I mean truly amazing. Not everybody could have done what you did and handled everything the way you handled it. You sought approval and validation from others because you couldn't get it from me. You were trying to fill a void that I created. And that's totally understandable, I just wish it wasnt' there in the first place. I forced others to take pride in you and your accomplishments because all I was able to see was your faults and failures. And that was wrong of me.

I let others tell you who you were supposed to be and made you feel inferior to them. I made you feel like you didn't deserve to be with certain people - to talk to them, to eat with them, to sit with them in the back of the class. And I had no right to do that. I could never see how special you are or all you had to offer. I see those things now and realize what a fool I was. But, part of me was right; you didn't deserve those people. You deserved and still deserve better than them. Much better than them. I let people use you in exchange for their ephemeral friendship. But here's the thing, those two words don't go together. Friendships don't go as quickly as they come. They don't evaporate like smoke on the end of a lit cigarette. They last.

And boys... oh, man. You could never get it right, could you? It didn't help that I told you that you weren't good enough for them. My parents told me to tell you that boys should treat you with respect and think that you are something special, but I never told you that. You learned it, though - in the end. I should have yelled at you and told you that relationships should never have to be forced and that being someone you're not with the intention of winning his affections doesn't work and, more importantly, isn't worth it. I'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way. They warned me, Mom and Dad did, but I never passed along the message. You were blind, and I could have turned on the lights for you, but I didn't. And as a result, you fell in the dark and got hurt.

I was only too good at making you feel guilty for being happy or having fun, which is probably how I've wronged you most recently. You life is bogged down by duties and responsibilities, and not only do you deserve time to leave it all behind, but you NEED that time. You dedicate yourself to other people so regularly that you're nothing short of entitled to an hour or two for yourself. People can live without you, you know. It's good that you get away. People can't always come to you for things; they have to learn how to rely on themselves, too. You work hard and have earned the right to have fun.

As I said, things between us now seem better, but I had to at least apologize. So here's a giant, resounding apology. I'M SORRY. I'm sorry for hurting you, for belitting you and making you feel worthless and incomeptent, for making you take others' opinions of you so serioulsy, for not being there when you needed me the most. I'M SO, SO SORRY. We'll do better in our next 19 years.