Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Last Summer

Last month I didn't blog. And I'll tell you why. I spent about 80% of my time depressed out of my mind, 10% feeling sorry for myself for being depressed, 5% pestering the crap out of people who were too busy to spend time with me, and the other 5% feeling guilty about it.

Wait... ok, yeah. That adds up. Right? Yeah. So, obviously, there was no time to blog.

Sounds like a very good use of time, right? Not exactly.

Why was I depressed? Ever since I started at Drake, I imagined how this summer would be. My last summer. I would be living in an apartment off campus. I'd have a car. I'd be interning at Meredith. I'd be coming home and making myself dinner and doing my dishes afterwards in my kitchen sink.

You know what? I have ALL of those things. And, yet, I was miserable. I was just unhappy. And on top of being unhappy, I also freaked out about being unhappy. If having so much of what I always thought I wanted turned out to suck so much, what did that mean, exactly? Suddenly, I felt like I didn't know what I wanted anymore and with graduation approaching my doorstep, that made me really nervous.

Add all of that to the fact that moving away from campus was unexpectedly difficult. Last semester I couldn't wait to move off. I love Drake, but after three years, I guess I was just tired of looking at it all the time. It's great, but I needed a change of scenery. So I moved away. And I got a change of scenery. You know what else I got? An overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. Granted, it's summer and there aren't too many people around campus anyway, but I still felt cut off from it. I felt like I couldn't survive with out. Like I had been institutionalized or something and couldn't live on the outside.

It was HARD.

But then I remembered... didn't I kind of go through this last summer, too? Last summer I was an RA in Ross Hall and living on my own in a pseudo-apartment. I had hardly any residents (and the ones I did have didn't need me for anything) and I felt rather alone and I got depressed then, too. But as alone as I felt then, I wasn't truly alone. I had two other RAs I saw a few times a week and I talked to my friend Ryan online all the time. So I was by myself, but not really alone.

You know what happened? They all graduated and now they have lives. Busy lives full of life things. Which is great. They should have lives and jobs. In the meantime, though that was hard for me to get used to. I felt like they got to do stuff and be busy and move far away, and I was just still here feeling completely isolated.

It's not like I stayed in my apartment all the time, though. I went out. I did stuff. But it seemed like every offer I made to every friend on the short list of people I have who are local was returned with the four-letter b-word.

Busy.

So I went out anyway. And that was good, but not great. At least I wasn't at home in my apartment eating copious amounts of cake and watching guilty-pleasure, self-loathing movies like Bridget Jones' Diary. That's something, right?

I was proud of myself for doing so, but I just could get over feeling so depressed and frustrated with my complete lack of social situation. It's not like I needed to be with someone constantly, but every couple of weeks or so would be nice. It was weird and I never thought it'd be like this. And then I got scared that it would be like this for a long, long time even after I graduate.

But then one day I woke up completely exhausted. As it turns out, being depressed constantly kind of takes a lot out of you. And to be honest, I was tired of it. So I kind of just decided that I didn't want to be depressed anymore. I said to myself "you're not allowed to be depressed today." The weird thing was, it kinda worked. I wasn't puking rainbows or anything, but I wasn't wallowing in self-pity, either. I suppose I just realized that I had done everything in my power to fix my lack of social life and it wasn't working. People have other things going on and there's nothing I can do about it, so it's really quite pointless to mope about it. So I stopped. I realized that the summer--my last summer--was already half over and I blew half of it being stupid and I was done with all that. I still have some time left to make the summer amazing, and that's just what I'll do. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and take control of your own happiness and not leave it up to other people.

Magazines

The other day I was at work and got an assignment from one of the editors I work for. I had to copy edit the next issue of Lasting Moments, the magazine put out by the Creative Memories scrapbooking company. It had something really cute on the cover—some adorable, fall-looking page featuring a baby dressed as a pumpkin.

“Aw, that’s cute,” I said as the editor walked away.

“Yeah, well, don’t get too attached. That’s our last issue,” she told me.

It was really sad news, actually. Granted, I’ve only been vaguely aware of this publication for the past few years and certainly never read it or looked through it unless Mom had a copy laying around the office (which she might have, now that I think about it). But it was still depressing.

Magazines are interesting things, I think. They’re very personal and hard to let go of. Putting aside that this is what I’ve chosen to do for the rest of my life, I think a lot of people have a hard time thinning the stash of magazines. I can do what I want with a newspaper and plop it right into the recycle bin after I fish out the funnies without giving it a second thought.

But magazines are much different. I know I’m not alone when I say I want to hold on to them. There’s something about the way they look and feel and smell. They’re shiny and colorful and nice. It seems sad and wasteful to just throw it out. Newspapers (which are great, so buy a subscription) look disposable. I think that’s part of the difference.

I read somewhere once (in a magazine, perhaps?) that the average subscriber holds on to their magazines for over a year… or something along those lines. Why? Probably because we’re all partially packrats. But I think we also get attached to them.

Will it sound weird if I say they’re kind of like friends? Maybe, but I don’t care. Mostly because it’s my blog and I’ll say what I want. They are kind of like friends. They’re what connect us to a larger community full of people with our same interests. That’s important, don’t you think? How often have we been interested in something but not had a single person to talk to about it? But that’s not the case with magazines. There are magazines EVERYWHERE about ANYTHING. It’s like the internet. You can always find SOMETHING.

A while ago I was kind of bummed about the whole magazine course of study. I began thinking about the economy and the contracting industry and realized that when times are tough, magazines are a lot of times one of the first things to go when it’s time to make cut-backs. I convinced myself it was some stupid, unnecessary indulgence that just encourages people to buy more things they don’t need.

I think every job has a service element to it. As in providing some sort of service to society as a whole. But I couldn’t find that angle for my job. One of my closest friends is a pharmacist and the service he provides to the community is just huge (and completely underappreciated, if I may say so). It’s really impressive—and that’s just on the level that I understand. I’m sure there’s even more I have no idea about. By the way, if you don’t think pharmacists provide anything useful for the community, spend three days at Drake and you’ll change your mind.

I digress. The point is that I wanted to feel like I was providing something to people, too. I'm not teaching children and shaping the future, I'm not saving lives, I'm not behind the pharmacy counter, I'm not picking up your garbage, I'm not finding more efficient fuel solutions. I'm not doing any of those things. I'm not even doing anything CLOSE to any of those things.

But maybe I'm helping create communities of like-minded individuals. Maybe, in some weird sort of way, I'm helping people find some sense of belonging. Or, at least, one day I will when I'm actually working. I still maintain that magazines are kind of like friends. They're monthly, paper friends who bring us news and ideas from people we've never met, but are connected to regardless.

I like to be connected to people. I need to be connected to people. Don't you?

So, Lasting Moments (ironically) is about to end. And the readership will dissolve and their little mail community with it. And, yeah, I think that's a pretty sad thing to think about.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

First week on the job

So I started both my Iowa Outdoors Magazine internship this week and my Meredith internship. I like them both a lot so far. I have to say I like the Iowa Outdoors one more just because the magazine is awesome and I'm really interested in the topic - outdoorsy types of stuff like plants and animals and hiking trails and things. At Meredith I work for MIM - Meredith Integrated Marketing - which basically does a bunch of custom publications for a variety of clients like Carnival Cruise Lines, State Farm, Pepsi, Jeep, and so on. I like it because it's magazines and advertising kind of rolled into one and I've had an interest in advertising lately.

This week at IOM, I did a lot of copy editing. Which I don't mind at all. I really love copy editing. We're working on the September/October issue right now, which will be out in late August. It's cool because I'll be around to see the production of this issue from start to finish. Anyway, whenever stories come in, I get to copy edit them. It's awesome. I even got to write a couple of things this week. I got to write a short story about the proper way to mulch and I worked on a feature we have called "But Why?" where little kids submit questions about nature and we research the answer. I researched the answer to "where do bugs go in the winter?" I really enjoy doing stuff like that, I find. I like the research part because I'm learning a lot about something I'm interested in and I get to write about it. It's very cool. Sadly, this internship doesn't pay.

At Meredith I've been doing a lot of research, mostly. My boss is giving a presentation about Meredith and social media, so she had me spend all day on Twitter looking at tweets from Meredith publications like Ladies Home Journal, Parents, Fitness, and so on. That was kind of cool. Right now I'm working on something for State Farm. I was given a story outline of all the stories that will be in the new issue of "Good Neighbor" magazine, and I'm researching information for the writers to use when they actually write the stories.

It's cool to be working for both a small magazine and a big publishing company at the same time. I'm definitely experiencing both ends of the spectrum, which is nice. Variety is a good thing.

I work both these jobs Monday through Friday. I do mornings at IOM and afternoons at Meredith and that's working out nicely. Between the two I have a pretty standard 8-5 workday. I listen to the traffic report on my way to work and worry about things like rush hour and all that...

Wouldn't you know it? I'm a working stiff now.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Old Habits

Yesterday I was driving home from the hardware store. Without even realizing it (obviously), I passed right by my new apartment complex, drove all the way to campus, pulled into the Drake West Village lot, pulled out my keys, and freaked out because I thought I lost my entrance fob. I panicked and searched my purse, my pockets, and my car looking for it. Ten minutes later, I realized I was also missing my apartment key and my mailbox key.

Thinking that this can obviously not be a coincidence, I slowly came to the realization that I don't live at Drake West Village anymore. I then proceeded to drive ten minutes back in the direction I came from to go home... as in the place I live now... feeling like an idiot the entire way.

And now I decided to share it with the internet. Good plan.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Year in review

So, junior year is over (ah!!! I'm a senior now!) which means it's time for my annual Year in Review blog post. Generally speaking, I hate it when people toot their own horn, but I pretty much can't help it. I'm proud of myself.

Let's hit the highlights, shall we?

I ended this semester with a 3.8 GPA

I scored three internships for the summer - one at Iowa Outdoors Magazine, one at Meredith, and one with an organization called A Course in Miracles which involves a lot of facebooking

I was elected president of APO

I earned the Drake Service Award at the annual Leaders and Luminaries ceremony

I completed over 150 hours of community service

I was awarded the Distinguished Service Key for APO along with the Leadership and Service awards

I was the photo editor of the Times Delphic

I leased an apartment

I threw a holiday party for little kids and their families

I wrote for Drake Mag Online

SO, yeah... I'm pretty pleased with how junior year went. I'm looking forward to senior year. It'll be weird, though - being a senior, I mean. There's something oddly comforting about knowing that there are people above you. Like being a sophomore and a junior is nice because you just float around in the middle. And now I'm a senior. CRAZY!

Apartment update..

So, I've been living full-time in my apartment for about a week now. I started sleeping in my bed and everything. I've been spending the night here for about three weeks and I was sleeping on the couch most of that time.

The apartment is good. It is, I promise. I'm having a little bit of a rough time at the moment because I haven't started work yet and there isn't anybody around really. So I've been literally by myself for the past week. For a day or two it was nice, but it got really old really fast and now I'm just bored and lonely.

But soon work will start and all that will change... yay, I think.

Anyway, back to the apartment. I've decided to share with you a list of things to consider when apartment hunting. These are things, of course, I thought of AFTER signing the lease and moving in. It's not a bad apartment; I've just learned a lot so far.

1. It might be worth asking if the apartment you're touring has had any major recent maintenance issues. For instance, a leaking roof. My apartment has a leaky roof and I'd bet you a million dollars it had a leaky roof a month ago, too. They told us that when we moved in. "Here are you keys, and by the way you have a leaky roof but we've fixed it. You still might want to put a bucket down or something." We had SO much rain over the next two weeks. And, yes, we put a bucket down. And, yes, the roof did leak. And, yes, I did report it. And, yes, they fixed it. Twice. So far (literally six repairs later) the roof seems to be holding up. But it's still a source of concern.

2. Do you feel like a giant in your bathroom? I recently discovered that yes, I do in fact feel like a giant in my bathroom. The toilet is WAY low to the ground, I need the gymnastic ability of Shawn Johnson to wash my hair in the shower because the shower head is low, and I'm pretty sure the sink doesn't even come up to my waist. Yeah, think about it.

3. Appliances. If they look like Fred and Wilma could have used them, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, as long as they're kept well appliances can last a long time. However, if your oven is so old that it doesn't come with features like a clock, timer, a fancy mechanism to let you know when it's preheated, and emits a strange natural gas smell when you turn it on despite the fact it's electric.... well, those are all things to consider. We also have a big pool of water in the bottom of our refrigerator and have NO IDEA why.

4. Central Air. Roomie and I were going back and forth between this apartment and another one we found that's very VERY similar. This one has central air. That one does not. At first I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. Surprise, it kind of is. Iowa = central air. Remember that.

5. Management. I honestly think that the complex manager sold this place for us. She was REALLY nice and REALLY helpful and answered all of my dumb "I'm new to this whole apartment thing" types of questions. Roomie and I were not so fond of the other management people at the other place. The fact is you'll have to deal with management staff a lot and it's best to find people you're comfortable talking to and aren't intimidated by.

6. Which way do your windows face? All I'm sayin' is that in the evening, when I'm most likely to be hanging out watching TV, I get the nice, BRIGHT evening sun right into my living room windows. I fell asleep on the couch the other day and have the sunburn to prove it.

7. Kitchen. Can you dance in the kitchen? Wait... maybe that's only important to me. Moving on...

8. Cabinets. I have odd cabinets. I can't fit a box of cereal in them. They're oddly shaped or something. The cabinets, I mean. Not the cereal boxes. Do they have adjustable shelves? I would kill for adjustable shelves. Look for it.

9. Balcony. If you want a balcony DON'T COMPROMISE! I compromised and, again, I like the new place, but the balcony thing still gets to me sometimes.

10. Noise factor. I was standing in my kitchen talking to my roommate who was playing in the bathroom and she couldn't hear me. Whoa. Kind of awesome. DWV's walls are made of cardboard. Really CHEAP cardboard. Someone could sneeze on the fifth floor and I'd hear them.

11. Slanted walls. I walked into our new apartment and I saw that some of its walls are slanted. Like instead of being at 90 degrees and parallel with the floor, they're like at 70 degrees and slope upward. I thought this was cool and interesting and I instantly fell in love with it. Reality? It's a novelty. The excitement wore off rapidly when I realized that my room has two slanted walls, and one wall that's entirely a closet. What does this mean? I means I only have one wall on which it's easy to hang things. And I'm a big fan of hanging things.

12. Water pressure. Yeah, um, you might want to turn on the faucet or something when you check out a potential new place. Otherwise you're in for a year of soapy hair.

Live and learn, eh?

Graduation

Last weekend was graduation. I had never seen a Drake graduation before. Freshman year I bolted well before graduation and last year I was an RA and shutting down the dorm I lived in and couldn't go. So I was excited. Especially because I knew so many people graduating. I tend to get attached to the class ahead of me. Which sucks, by the way.

Anyway, i was excited to see everybody graduate. Drake has several different ceremonies. There's one for law school, one for pharmacy, one for undergrads, one for doctorate people... yeah, kind of a lot.

The first ceremony I went to was the pharmacy hooding ceremony. I don't really know why they're called "hoods." They aren't hoods. They're like... sashes or something that go on their graduation robes. It's hard to explain. I'll post a picture.


Here's what it is from the back. The inside, I think, has your school colors so Drake's are olive green and fuzzy on the outside, and blue and white and silky on the inside.


Ok, so the tan thing around his neck is the front of his hood. Depending on what you get your degree in, your hood is a different color. The pharmacy hoods are actually olive green.

So that's what a hood is. You're already more informed than I was a couple of months ago. And that's what the entire ceremony was. All 130+ pharmacy students receiving their fancy green hoods. The next day, they had the doctoral graduation ceremony where they actually received their degrees.

I also went to the undergraduate ceremony. As you can imagine, there are kind of... a lot of them. A heck of a lot more than 130. There were like 700 of them.

I have never seen anything so efficient in my life. They got all 700+ undergrads on and off the stage in two hours. My graduation ceremony in high school took that long and we graduated less than 400. I was SO impressed.

Drake graduation happens in the Knapp Center which is great for those who are prone to sunburning and hate sunscreen like me. But kind of sucky for those who love to take pictures... like me. It took me at least until the M's to figure out the right settings on my camera. But it all worked out. I got some nice pictures of a few friends graduating.

I kind of love graduations. I particularly love the processional and recessional. I love graduation music. It's just so awesome and there are the tympanis and all sorts of cool things. It's very exciting. I love it. But as much as I enjoyed myself, I couldn't help but freak out kind of a little bit. Firstly, of course, because I have some friends who are leaving. And also because that means I'm, like, a senior now.

How the HECK did that happen?

see? hoods.
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