Everybody loves bumper stickers. Admit it. They’re fun, cute, and where else can you find such sexually explicit and spiritual content all in one place? See? There’s a little something for everybody. What I’ve recently come to realize is that bumper sticker has, in fact, had a very deep and profound affect on my life.
1. It’s made facebook even more addicting. Raise your hand if you’ve spent hours moving from one profile to the next, scrolling through what’s likely pages and pages of bumper stickers. I know I’m not alone on this. Eventually I won’t even know whose profile I’m looking at. More often than not I don’t even know the person; they just happen to be in my network, thus allowing me access the splendor that is procrastination.
2. I’ve become frustrated more easily. You would think since bumper sticker is clearly the most popular application on facebook, they would be a bit quicker to “iron out the kinks” as they like to say on their “Sorry, try again” page. I usually set a refresh limit. If I have to reload my internet more than 10 times, screw it, I’m done with bumper sticker. It’s annoying when I’m trying to look at all the bumper stickers at once and it won’t let me go to the next page. But when I’m trying to load a bumper sticker that was actually sent to me, I get genuinely pissed off. What I really love is the fact that there’s a bumper sticker that says “I was going to send you a funny bumper sticker, but I got tired of ‘trying again.’”
3. It’s opened up another channel for drunken communication. That’s right kids. Not only can you get drunk dials and tipsy texts, you can get bumper stickers from hammered friends. If you can come up with a term for the drunken exchange of bumper stickers, feel free to let me know. It should be something catchy, preferably with an alliteration in it. But there’s nothing like waking up in the morning to a whole slew of bumper stickers from people telling me how much they love me and how much they hate me since drunk people are inclined to express both emotions.
4. I’ve become ashamed of my peers’ addiction to Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana? Seriously? Don’t tell me college girls in their early twentysomethings are worshiping a fourteen-year-old in a wig. Granted, the “peace, love, Hannah Montana” stickers aren’t the most popular (thank goodness – then we’d really have a problem), but the fact that they’re out there makes me hang my head in shame for those who seem incapable of moving past the Disney Channel.
5. I have an overwhelming urge to deface a stop sign. Seriously, “Don’t” on the top of the sign, and “believing” on the bottom is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s just a cute little reminder that life’s not about the destination, it’s about the Journey.
6. It’s made me think that cats are the least photogenic animal on the planet. What’s up with those freaky-lookin’ felines? Some are cute, sure. I like the “I farted” one. Who doesn’t? But there sure are some frightening ones. For example, the demented cat that looks like it’s shouting at the speaker box in the drive thru is enough to keep anyone up at night. Or how about the cat that looks like its hopped up on something? “I found pills and ate them!!!” That’s one kitty you don’t want to turn your back to.
7. It makes me miss old school TV from the 90s. All in favor of bringing back Sabrina, Sister Sister, Boy Meets World, and any and all of those amazing NickToons we grew up with? I just get so nostalgic for the days when cartoons were actually drawn well, the Olson twins didn’t have eating disorders, and every girl wanted Harvey Kinkle to be her boyfriend. For now I’ll just have to settle for my Hey Arnold bumper sticker.
8. It’s allowed me to set higher personal goals for myself. By the end of the year I’m going to make it through all 3,242 pages of bumper stickers… in one sitting. I’ve been practicing. You can’t do it right away; you have to train first or you might pull something. Although, I’ve come to the conclusion that this might be an unobtainable goal like trying to eat the never-ending stack of pancakes at IHOP. The more you eat, the more they bring you. Just like with the bumper stickers. They’re created faster than I can look at them.
9. It’s made me consider lasik eye surgery. Am I getting old or is the text on those bumper stickers TINY? Am I the only one who has this problem? I blame the creators of the bumper stickers. They’re the ones using those really skinny, little, light-colored fonts. How do they expect us to be able to read those? What’s stupid is that I’ll always click on the ones that are hard to read, hoping that the next page will bring up a bigger, more legible version, but it never does. I’ve actually resorted to taking screen shots of the ones I can’t read and using my picture preview application to zoom in.
10. I’ve become unnaturally good at giving advice. Don’t tell, but usually when my friends hit a rough patch, I blurt out something I read off a bumper sticker. Some of them are less cliché than others, which allows me to get away with it most of the time. If I say something like “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain,” that just has “BUMPER STICKER” written all over it. But if I say “it may be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever,” it sounds deep and profound – more like a fortune cookie than a bumper sticker. Hey, I should make a bumper sticker that says “all my words of wisdom come from bumper stickers.”
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