Oh, Oh, It's hardly magic

I have seen some so-called magicians that have awed me, I'll admit.  Although, I also have to say I'm a total skeptic and don't by any means believe in magic or mind-reading.  Sorry, Harry Potter.  Just last night Drake's entertainment committee brought a magician in to perform at our Relay for Life event.

I wish I remembered his name just so I could tell you to NEVER go see his show. 

From the off this guy was totally bogus.  He greeted us with an over-enthusiastic "Good evening, boys and girls!" which would be excusable if he were some sort of grandpa magician of 80 or older.  But this guy was probably in his early 30s.  So everybody in the audience of mere dozens exchanged looks with raised eyebrows and Mr. Magician started his show. 

He might have performed for 40 minutes and in that time the best he could muster were some mediocre (at best) card tricks - you know, those kind that you figure out when you're 7.  What's worse is that he failed most of them.  It was hard to tell if that was part of his act since he used those SEVERAL opportunities to tell some over-rehearsed jokes that elicited a collective groan from the audience.

Then he moved on to some sort of so-called "amazing rope trick."  I've gotta be honest, I don't know if it was the angle I was watching from (kind of off to the side of the stage), but I didn't get it.  He started with one rope, and ended up with three after having some kid from the audience cut it a bunch of times or something.  I don't even know.  Needless to say, I found it less than amazing.

One trick piqued my interest since it involved a folding chair and a zip tie.  I think he messed something up because he ended up ditching the chair... and I have no idea what the heck the zip tie was for.  

He asked one guy to throw a hat a bunch of times so he could catch it on his head.  Sorry, that doesn't even PASS for magic.  I think I've seen a trained seal at Sea World do that, too - and better.  This guy caught it maybe twice; the seal went ten for ten.

His "grand finale" had him in a straight jacket - which is where this guy belongs if he continues to pursue a career in magic.  You know how straight jackets work?  There's that really awkward strap in the crotchal region.  Well, of his two gracious (and probably humiliated) volunteers, he suggested the girl buckle that one while making jokes along the lines of "Not too tight, Tiffany!" and "Tiffany!  Pick a side!"  You know it's a bad act when you can't get college kids going with sexual innuendo - just sayin'.

I saw the girl who hired him to perform sitting behind the stage with her face in her hands.  I felt sorry for her.  But as badly as I felt, I'm still expecting a letter of apology from the entertainment committee for subjecting us to that.