Internships... again

The word "internship" makes my teeth grind. My hair curls when I hear "cover letter" and "resume." My muscles contract when I hear "follow-up email." I roll my eyes when I hear "networking."

Ugh, junior year buzzwords. MAKE IT STOP! I can't take it.

I'm just SO frustrated. I can't even tell you. Sometimes I freak myself out so much, I get an upset stomach and cry myself to sleep - only to wake up in the middle of the night to worry some more. It's not a good situation. EVERYBODY (students, professors, employers) puts so much emphasis on having an internship this summer. It's IMPERATIVE, they tell me. You HAVE to get one if you want to graduate with a job. I can't listen to that anymore.

You know what I get a lot? That I don't have enough experience. For an ENTRY-LEVEL INTERNSHIP. Seriously? How am I supposed to GET experience if I don't have enough EXPERIENCE TO GET EXPERIENCE? It's a stupid, vicious cycle. And how am I supposed to break out of it? I have no idea. NO IDEA.

And it's like the people in charge of hiring interns have never been where I am. If they have, you'd think they'd at least be considerate and return emails and phone calls. But most of them don't. Most of them just leave you dangling in an agonizing abyss of uncertainty.

Some actually say no. Which, I guess, is good. At least you know. But those stupid rejection letters kill me. "You were one of the top candidates." "You have outstanding qualities." I don't want to hear that at all. One of the top candidates? Pffft, I'd rather be dead last than second. Are you kidding me? Doesn't that just make it worse? I tried to to test out of my required math class. I had to get 50 points to test out - I literally got 49. I would rather have biffed it completely than to miss by ONE point. Same situation.

Maybe it's not the end of the world if I don't get something because I'm bound to get A job after graduation. Sure, A job - doing SOMETHING SOMEWHERE. Fine, I'll take it. But I've been busting my hump for almost 3 years so I can be a writer and the idea that I might not get to be one DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.

It could all work out. Who knows? Maybe I'll stumble upon a job that I completely adore but has nothing to do with what I'm studying - plenty of journalists I know didn't even study journalism in school (which, by the way, irks me to no end). Maybe. In the meantime, I just need someone to take a chance on me or just man up and tell me I'm not good enough.

Sorry, I'm kind of angry these days.